21 July 2005 Blog Home : July 2005 : Permalink
... According to page 417 of The K, as we shall snappily now call it, “as for the righteous, they shall surely triumph. Theirs shall be gardens and vineyards, and high-bosomed maidens for companions: a truly overflowing cup”.
A few observations here.
One, I presume that calling a maiden “high-bosomed” is a diplomatic way of avoiding use of the “sag” word. So what does that tell us – that Paradise is full of plastic surgeons?
Or are all of the 38EE ladies herded off to some isolation wing of the Aftergarden where nobody will see them traipsing about tripping over their nipples?
Two, what is all of this “vineyard” lark? Who are the vineyards for? I thought the Believers didn’t drink. Or don’t the rules apply up there? I only ask because if everybody’s pissed off their face playing with high bosoms in the vineyards, then I can’t see the difference between Paradise and a lock-in at The Kings Arms when that bird who’s now gone to Exeter used to run it.
Three, as you may know The Koran is the infallible word of God as revealed to Mohammed by the Angel Gabriel (who was obviously quite the gossip). So which one of those three was having a laugh by punning “a truly overflowing cup” on the high-bosomed business? Was the Angel Gabriel in fact Max Miller wearing a sheet?
Four, and this is the page (70) that The Imploders would probably prefer us to skip over, or at least to pretend that the pages got stuck together after somebody got excited reading it with maidens in the vineyard – this matter of “the righteous” needs examination.
Because page 70 makes it perfectly plain that there is absolutely fuck-all “righteousness” to be found in blasting anybody with an unpleasant flying cocktail of Semtex and your bits. And I quote:
“It is unlawful for a believer to kill another believer except by accident….He that kills a believer by design shall burn in Hell for ever”.
Excuse me for being dense but weren’t there a few believers on (a) The Bus and (b) The Tube trains?
Sorry, I think you’ll find that there were. Don’t you boys come moaning to me with excuses about how you’d left your spectacles in Leeds. I don’t care if you didn’t notice them, those were believers. No bosoms for you; it’s straight to bed in Hell for you, my lad. Consider yourself smoted.
Oh and this is merely an extract - you should read the rest. Mind you I have one minor quibble. It occurs to me that the virgins thing (which is anyway well known to be a possible misinterpretation of a word that could mean raisin) isn't something that the average suicide bomber knows much about. It is no doubt true that a mature and experienced man would prefer to dally with an experienced lady rather than a frightened virgin who has to be shown what to do but that doesn't apply here. The majority of suicide bombers have probably only had one or two sexual experiences which didn't involve their right hand and therefore probably are effectively virgins themselves. If you are a young man with limited persoal experience of the opposite sex then the experienced woman of the world - the kind that tries to explain that sex can involve foreplay, that women like orgasms too and that sex can take longer than 10 seconds - is going to be rather scary, much better to dream of rogering some poor young thing that doesn't know any better and hence won't complain.