by
Dear Mafflin,
You will remember that I wrote this story as an Awful Warning. None the less you have seen fit to disregard it and have followed Gadsbys exampleas I betted you would. I acknowledge that you paid the money at once, but you have prejudiced the mind of Mrs. Mafflin against myself, for though I am almost the only respectable friend of your bachelor days, she has been darwaza band to me throughout the season. Further, she caused you to invite me to dinner at the Club, where you called me a wild ass of the desert, and went home at half-past ten, after discoursing for twenty minutes on the responsibilities of housekeeping. You now drive a mail-phaeton and sit under a Church of England clergyman. I am not angry, Jack. It is your kismet, as it was Gaddys, and his kismet who can avoid? Do not think that I am moved by a spirit of revenge as I write, thus publicly, that you and you alone are responsible for this book. In other and more expansive days, when you could look at a magnum without flushing and at a cheroot without turning white, you supplied me with most of the material. Take it back againwould that I could have preserved your fetterless speech in the tellingtake it back, and by your slippered hearth read it to the late Miss Deercourt. She will not be any the more willing to receive my cards, but she will admire you immensely, and you, I feel sure, will love me. You may even invite me to another very bad dinnerat the Club, which, as you and your wife know, is a safe neutral ground for the entertainment of wild asses. Then, my very dear hypocrite, we shall be quits.
Yours always,
RUDYARD KIPLING.
P.S.On second thoughts I should recommend you to keep the book away from Mrs. Mafflin.
MISS DEERCOURT. And he said: I shall never forget this dance, and, of course, I said: Oh, how can you be so silly! Do you think he meant anything, dear?
MISS THREEGAN. (Extracting long lavender silk stocking from the rubbish.) You know him better than I do.
MISS D. Oh, do be sympathetic, Minnie! Im sure he does. At least I would be sure if he wasnt always riding with that odious Mrs. Hagan.
MISS T. I suppose so. How does one manage to dance through ones heels first? Look at thisisnt it shameful? (Spreads stocking-heel on open hand for inspection.)
MISS D. Never mind that! You cant mend it. Help me with this hateful bodice. Ive run the string so, and Ive run the string so, and I cant make the fulness come right. Where would you put this? (Waves lilies of the valley.)
MISS T. As high up on the shoulder as possible.
MISS D. Am I quite tall enough? I know it makes May Older look lopsided.
MISS T. Yes, but May hasnt your shoulders. Hers are like a hock-bottle.
BEARER. (Rapping at door.) Captain Sahib aya.
MISS D. (Jumping up wildly, and hunting for bodice, which she has discarded owing to the heat of the day.) Captain Sahib! What Captain Sahib? Oh, good gracious, and Im only half dressed! Well, I shant bother.
MISS T. (Calmly.) You neednt. It isnt for us. Thats Captain Gadsby. He is going for a ride with Mamma. He generally comes five days out of the seven.
AGONIZED VOICE. (From an inner apartment.) Minnie, run out and give Captain Gadsby some tea, and tell him I shall be ready in ten minutes; and, O Minnie, come to me an instant, theres a dear girl!
MISS T. Oh, bother! (Aloud.) Very well, Mamma.
Exit, and reappears, after five minutes, flushed, and rubbing her fingers. |
MISS D. You look pink. What has happened?
MISS T. (In a stage whisper.) A twenty-four-inch waist, and she wont let it out. Where are my bangles? (Rummager on the toilet-table, and dabs at her hair with a brush in the interval.)
MISS D. Who is this Captain Gadsby? I dont think Ive met him.
MISS T. You must have. He belongs to the Harrar set. Ive danced with him, but Ive never talked to him. Hes a big yellow man, just like a newly-hatched chicken, with an enormous moustache. He walks like this (imitates Cavalry swagger), and he goes HaHmmm! deep down in his throat when he cant think of anything to say. Mamma likes him. I dont.
MISS D. (Abstractedly.) Does he wax that moustache?
MISS T. (Busy with Powder-puff.) Yes, I think so. Why?
MISS D. (Bending over the bodice and sewing furiously.) Oh, nothingonly
MISS T. (Sternly.) Only what? Out with it, Emma.
MISS D. Well, May Olgershes engaged to Mr. Charteris, you knowsaidPromise you wont repeat this?
MISS T. Yes, I promise. What did she say?
MISS D. Thatthat being kissed (with a rush) with a man who didnt wax his moustache waslike eating an egg without salt.
MISS T. (At her full height, with crushing scorn.) May Olger is a horrid, nasty Thing, and you can tell her I said so. Im glad she doesnt belong to my setI must go and feed this man! Do I look presentable?
MISS D. Yes, perfectly. Be quick and hand him over to your Mother, and then we can talk. I shall listen at the door to hear what you say to him.
MISS T. Sure I dont care. Im not afraid of Captain Gadsby.
In proof of this swings into the drawing-room with a mannish stride followed by two short steps, which Produces the effect of a restive horse entering. Misses CAPTAIN GADSBY, who is sitting in the shadow of the window-curtain, and gazes round helplessly. |
CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Aside.) The filly, by Jove! Must ha picked up that action from the sire. (Aloud, rising.) Good evening, Miss Threegan.
MISS T. (Conscious that she is flushing.) Good evening, Captain Gadsby. Mamma told me to say that she will be ready in a few minutes. Wont you have some tea? (Aside.) I hope Mamma will be quick. What am I to say to the creature? (Aloud and abruptly.) Milk and sugar?
CAPT. G. No sugar, tha-anks, and very little milk. HaHmmm.
MISS T. (Aside.) If hes going to do that, Im lost. I shall laugh. I know I shall!
CAPT. G. (Pulling at his moustache and watching it sideways down his nose.) HaHmmm. (Aside.) Wonder what the little beast can talk about. Must make a shot at it.
MISS T. (Aside.) Oh, this is agonizing. I must say something.
BOTH TOGETHER. Have you been
CAPT. G. I beg your pardon. You were going to say
MISS T. (Who has been watching the moustache with awed fascination.) Wont you have some eggs?
CAPT. G. (Looking bewilderedly at the tea-table.) Eggs! (Aside.) O Hades! She must have a nursery-tea at this hour. Spose theyve wiped her mouth and sent her to me while the Mother is getting on her duds. (Aloud.) No, thanks.
MISS T. (Crimson with confusion.) Oh! I didnt mean that. I wasnt thinking of moueggs for an instant. I mean salt. Wont you have some sasweets? (Aside.) Hell think me a raving lunatic. I wish Mamma would come.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) It was a nursery-tea and shes ashamed of it. By Jove! She doesnt look half bad when she colors up like that. (Aloud, helping himself from the dish.) Have you seen those new chocolates at Pelitis?
MISS T. No, I made these myself. What are they like?
CAPT. G. These! De-licious. (Aside.) And thats a fact.
MISS T. (Aside.) Oh, bother! hell think Im fishing for compliments. (Aloud.) No, Pelitis of course.
CAPT. G. (Enthusiastically.) Not to compare with these. How dyou make them? I cant get my khansamah to understand the simplest thing beyond mutton and fowl.
MISS T. Yes? Im not a khansamah, you know. Perhaps you frighten him. You should never frighten a servant. He loses his head. Its very bad policy.
CAPT. G. Hes so awfly stupid.
MISS T. (Folding her hands in her lap.) You should call him quietly and say: O khansamah jee!
CAPT. G. (Getting interested.) Yes? (Aside.) Fancy that little featherweight saying, O khansamah jee to my bloodthirsty Mir Khan!
MISS T. Then you should explain the dinner, dish by dish.
CAPT. G. But I cant speak the vernacular.
MISS T. (Patronizingly.) You should pass the Higher Standard and try.
CAPT. G. I have, but I dont seem to be any the wiser. Are you?
MISS T. I never passed the Higher Standard. But the khansamah is very patient with me. He doesnt get angry when I talk about sheeps topees, or order maunds of grain when I mean seers.
CAPT. G. (Aside with intense indignation.) Id like to see Mir Khan being rude to that girl! Hullo! Steady the Buffs! (Aloud.) And do you understand about horses, too?
MISS T. A littlenot very much. I cant doctor them, but I know what they ought to eat, and I am in charge of our stable.
CAPT. G. Indeed! You might help me then. What ought a man to give his sais in the Hills? My ruffian says eight rupees, because everything is so dear.
MISS T. Six rupees a month, and one rupee Simla allowanceneither more nor less. And a grass-cut gets six rupees. Thats better than buying grass in the bazar.
CAPT. G. (Admiringly.) How do you know?
MISS T. I have tried both ways.
CAPT. G. Do you ride much, then? Ive never seen you on the Mall.
MISS T. (Aside.) I havent passed him more than fifty times. (Aloud.) Nearly every day.
CAPT. G. By Jove! I didnt know that. HaHmmm (Pulls at his mousache and is silent for forty seconds.)
MISS T. (Desperately, and wondering what will happen next.) It looks beautiful. I shouldnt touch it if I were you. (Aside.) Its all Mammas fault for not coming before. I will be rude!
CAPT. G. (Bronzing under the tan and bringing down his hand very quickly.) Eh! What-at! Oh, yes! Ha! Ha! (Laughs uneasily.) (Aside.) Well, of all the dashed cheek! I never had a woman say that to me yet. She must be a cool hand or elseAh! that nursery-tea!
VOICE FROM THE UNKNOWN. Tchk! Tchk! Tchk!
CAPT. G. Good gracious! Whats that?
MISS T. The dog, I think. (Aside.) Emma has been listening, and Ill never forgive her!
CAPT. G. (Aside.) They dont keep dogs here. (Aloud.) Didnt sound like a dog, did it?
MISS T. Then it must have been the cat. Lets go into the veranda. What a lovely evening it is!
Steps into veranda and looks out across the hills into sunset. The Captain follows. |
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Superb eyes! I wonder that I never noticed them before! (Aloud.) Theres going to he a dance at Viceregal Lodge on Wednesday. Can you spare me one?
MISS T. (Shortly.) No! I dont want any of your charity-dances. You only ask me because Mamma told you to. I hop and I bump. You know I do!
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Thats true, but little girls shouldnt understand these things. (Aloud.) No, on my word, I dont. You dance beautifully.
MISS T. Then why do you always stand out after half a dozen turns? I thought officers in the Army didnt tell fibs.
CAPT. G. It wasnt a fib, believe me. I really do want the pleasure of a dance with you.
MISS T. (Wickedly.) Why? Wont Mamma dance with you any more?
CAPT. G. (More earnestly than the necessity demands.) I wasnt thinking of your Mother. (Aside.) You little vixen!
MISS T. (Still looking out of the window.) Eh? Oh, I beg your pardon. I was thinking of something else.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Well! I wonder what shell say next. Ive never known a woman treat me like this before. I might bDash it, I might be an Infantry subaltern! (Aloud.) Oh, please dont trouble. Im not worth thinking about. Isnt your Mother ready yet?
MISS T. I should think so; but promise me, Captain Gadsby, you wont take poor dear Mamma twice round Jakko any more. It tires her so.
CAPT. G. She says that no exercise tires her.
MISS T. Yes, but she suffers afterward. You dont know what rheumatism is, and you oughtnt to keep her out so late, when it gets chill in the evenings.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Rheumatism. I thought she came off her horse rather in a bunch. Whew! One lives and learns. (Aloud.) Im sorry to hear that. She hasnt mentioned it to me.
MISS T. (Flurried.) Of course not! Poor dear Mamma never would. And you mustnt say that I told you either. Promise me that you wont. Oh, Captain Gadsby, promise me you wont!
CAPT. G. I am dumb, orI shall be as soon as youve given me that dance, and anotherif you can trouble yourself to think about me for a minute.
MISS T. But you wont like it one little bit. Youll be awfully sorry afterward.
CAPT. G. I shall like it above all things, and I shall only be sorry that I didnt get more. (Aside.) Now what in the world am I saying?
MISS T. Very well. You will have only yourself to thank if your toes are trodden on. Shall we say Seven?
CAPT. G. And Eleven. (Aside.) She cant be more than eight stone, but, even then, its an absurdly small foot. (Looks at his own riding boots.)
MISS T. Theyre beautifully shiny. I can almost see my face in them.
CAPT. G. I was thinking whether I should have to go on crutches for the rest of my life if you trod on my toes.
MISS T. Very likely. Why not change Eleven for a square?
CAPT. G. No, please! I want them both waltzes. Wont you write them down?
MISS T. I dont get so many dances that I shall confuse them. You will be the offender.
CAPT. G. Wait and see! (Aside.) She doesnt dance perfectly, perhaps, but
MISS T. Your tea must have got cold by this time. Wont you have another cup?
CAPT. G. No, thanks. Dont you think its pleasanter out in the veranda? (Aside.) I never saw hair take that color in the sunshine before. (Aloud.) Its like one of Dicksees pictures.
MISS T. Yes! Its a wonderful sunset, isnt it? (Bluntly.) But what do you know about Dicksees pictures?
CAPT. G. I go Home occasionally. And I used to know the Galleries. (Nervously.) You mustnt think me only a Philistine witha moustache.
MISS T. Dont! Please dont. Im so sorry for what I said then. I was horribly rude. It slipped out before I thought. Dont you know the temptation to say frightful and shocking things just for the mere sake of saying them? Im afraid I gave way to it.
CAPT. G. (Watching the girl as she flushes.) I think I know the feeling. It would be terrible if we all yielded to it, wouldnt it? For instance, I might say
POOR DEAR MAMMA. (Entering, habited, hatted, and booted.) Ah, Captain Gadsby? Sorry to keep you waiting. Hope you havent been bored. My little girl been talking to you?
MISS T. (Aside.) Im not sorry I spoke about the rheumatism. Im not! Im NOT! I only wished Id mentioned the corns too.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) What a shame! I wonder how old she is. It never occurred to me before. (Aloud.) Weve been discussing Shakespeare and the musical glasses in the veranda.
MISS T. (Aside.) Nice man! He knows that quotation. He isnt a Philistine with a moustache. (Aloud.) Good-bye, Captain Gadsby. (Aside.) What a huge hand and what a squeeze! I dont suppose he meant it, but he has driven the rings into my fingers.
POOR DEAR MAMMA. Has Vermillion come round yet? Oh, yes! Captain Gadsby, dont you think that the saddle is too far forward? (They pass into the front veranda.)
CAPT. G. (Aside.) How the dickens should I know what she prefers? She told me that she doted on horses. (Aloud.) I think it is.
MISS T. (Coming out into front veranda.) Oh! Bad Buldoo! I must speak to him for this. He has taken up the curb two links, and Vermillion hates that. (Passes out and to horses head.)
CAPT. G. Let me do it!
MISS. T. No, Vermillion understands me. Dont you, old man? (Looses curb-chain skilfully, and pats horse on nose and throttle.) Poor Vermillion! Did they want to cut his chin off? There!
Captain Gadsby watches the interlude with undisguised admiration. |
POOR DEAR MAMMA. (Tartly to Miss T.) Youve forgotten your guest, I think, dear.
MISS T. Good gracious! So I have! Good-bye. (Retreats indoors hastily.)
POOR DEAR MAMMA. (Bunching reins in fingers hampered by too tight gauntlets.) Captain Gadsby!
CAPTAIN GADSBY stoops and makes the foot-rest. POOR DEAR MAMMA blunders, halts too long, and breaks through it. |
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Cant hold up eleven stone forever. Its all your rheumatism. (Aloud.) Cant imagine why I was so clumsy. (Aside.) Now Little Featherweight would have gone up like a bird.
They ride out of the garden. The Captain falls back. |
CAPT. G. (Aside.) How that habit catches her under the arms! Ugh!
POOR DEAR MAMMA. (With the worn smile of sixteen seasons, the worse for exchange.) Youre dull this afternoon, Captain Gadsby.
CAPT. G. (Spurring up wearily.) Why did you keep me waiting so long?
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
GILDED YOUTH. (Sitting on railings opposite Town Hall.) Hullo, Gandy! Been trotting out the Gorgonzola! We all thought it was the Gorgan youre mashing.
CAPT. G. (With withering emphasis.) You young cub! What the does it matter to you?
Proceeds to read GILDED YOUTH a lecture on discretion and
deportment, which crumbles latter like a Chinese Lantern. Departs
fuming.
(FURTHER INTERVAL OF FIVE WEEKS.)
SCENE.Exterior of New Simla Library on a foggy evening. MISS THREECAN and MISS DEERCOURT meet among the rickshaws. Miss T. is carrying a bundle of books under her left arm |
MISS D. (Level intonation.) Well?
MISS T. (Ascending intonation.) Well?
MISS D. (Capturing her friends left arm, taking away all the books, placing books in rickshaw, returning to arm, securing hand by third finger and investigating.) Well! You bad girl! And you never told me.
MISS T. (Demurely.) Hehehe only spoke yesterday afternoon.
MISS D. Bless you, dear! And Im to be bridesmaid, arent I? You know you promised ever so long ago.
MISS T. Of course. Ill tell you all about it to-morrow. (Gets into rickshaw.) O Emma!
MISS D. (With intense interest.) Yes, dear?
MISS T. (Piano.) Its quite trueabouttheegg.
MISS D. What egg?
MISS T. (Pianissimo prestissimo.) The egg without the salt. (Porte.) Chalo ghar ko jaldi, jhampani! (Go home, jhampani.)
SCENE.Smoking-room of the Degchi Club. Time, 10.30 p.m. of a stuffy night in the Rains. Four men dispersed in picturesque attitudes and easy-chairs. To these enter BLAYNE of the Irregular Moguls, in evening dress. |
BLAYNE. Phew! The Judge ought to be hanged in his own store-godown. Hi, khitmatgar! Poora whiskey-peg, to take the taste out of my mouth.
CURTISS.(Royal Artillery.) Thats it, is it? What the deuce made you dine at the Judges? You know his bundobust.
BLAYNE. Thought it couldnt be worse than the Club, but Ill swear he buys ullaged liquor and doctors it with gin and ink (looking round the room.) Is this all of you to-night?
DOONE. (P.W.D.) Anthony was called out at dinner. Mingle had a pain in his tummy.
CURTISS. Miggy dies of cholera once a week in the Rains, and gets drunk on chlorodyne in between. Good little chap, though. Any one at the Judges, Blayne?
BLAYNE. Cockley and his memsahib looking awfully white and fagged. Female girlcouldnt catch the nameon her way to the Hills, under the Cockleys chargethe Judge, and Markyn fresh from Simladisgustingly fit.
CURTISS. Good Lord, how truly magnificent! Was there enough ice? When I mangled garbage there I got one whole lumpnearly as big as a walnut. What had Markyn to say for himself?
BLAYNE. Seems that every one is having a fairly good time up there in spite of the rain. By Jove, that reminds me! I know I hadnt come across just for the pleasure of your society. News! Great news! Markyn told me.
DOONE. Whos dead now?
BLAYNE. No one that I know of; but Gaddys hooked at last!
DROPPING CHORUS. How much? The Devil! Markyn was pulling your leg. Not GADDY!
BLAYNE. (Humming.) Yea, verily, verily, verily! Verily, verily, I say unto thee. Theodore, the gift o God! Our Phillup! Its been given out up above.
MACKESY. (Barrister-at-Law.) Huh! Women will give out anything. What does accused say?
BLAYNE. Markyn told me that he congratulated him warilyone hand held out, tother ready to guard. Gaddy turned pink and said it was so.
CURTISS. Poor old Gaddy! They all do it. Whos she? Lets hear the details.
BLAYNE. Shes a girldaughter of a Colonel Somebody.
DOONE. Simlas stiff with Colonels daughters. Be more explicit.
BLAYNE. Wait a shake. What was her name? Threesomething. Three
CURTISS. Stars, perhaps. Gaddy knows that brand.
BLAYNE. ThreeganMinnie Threegan.
MACKESY. Threegan. Isnt she a little bit of a girl with red hair?
BLAYNE. Bout thatfrom what from what Markyn said.
MACKESY. Then Ive met her. She was at Lucknow last season. Owned a permanently juvenile Mamma, and danced damnably. I say, Jervoise, you knew the Threegans, didnt you?
JERVOISE. (Civilian of twenty-five years service, waking up from his doze.) Eh? Whats that? Knew who? How? I thought I was at Home, confound you!
MACKESY. The Threegan girls engaged, so Blayne says.
JERVOISE. (Slowly.) Engagedengaged! Bless my soul! Im getting an old man! Little Minnie Threegan engaged. It was only the other day I went home with them in the Suratno, the Massilia and she was crawling about on her hands and knees among the ayahs. Used to call me the Tick Tack Sakib because I showed her my watch. And that was in Sixty-Sevenno, Seventy. Good God, how time flies! Im an old man. I remember when Threegan married Miss Derwentdaughter of old Hooky Derwentbut that was before your time. And so the little babys engaged to have a little baby of her own! Whos the other fool?
MACKESY. Gadsby of the Pink Hussars.
JERVOISE. Never met him. Threegan lived in debt, married in debt, and ll die in debt. Must be glad to get the girl off his hands.
BLAYNE. Gaddy has moneylucky devil. Place at Home, too.
DOONE. He comes of first-class stock. Cant quite understand his being caught by a Colonels daughter, and (looking cautiously round room.) Black Infantry at that! No offence to you, Blayne.
BLAYNE. (Stiffly.) Not much, tha-anks.
CURTISS. (Quoting motto of Irregular Moguls.) We are what we are, eh, old man? But Gaddy was such a superior animal as a rule. Why didnt he go Home and pick his wife there?
MACKESY. They are all alike when they come to the turn into the straight. About thirty a man begins to get sick of living alone
CURTISS. And of the eternal muttony-chop in the morning.
DOONE. Its a dead goat as a rule, but go on, Mackesy.
MACKESY. If a mans once taken that way nothing will hold him, Do you remember Benoit of your service, Doone? They transferred him to Tharanda when his time came, and he married a platelayers daughter, or something of that kind. She was the only female about the place.
DOONE. Yes, poor brute. That smashed Benoits chances of promotion altogether. Mrs. Benoit used to ask Was you goin to the dance this evenin?
CURTISS. Hang it all! Gaddy hasnt married beneath him. Theres no tarbrush in the family, I suppose.
JERVOISE. Tar-brush! Not an anna. You young fellows talk as though the man was doing the girl an honor in marrying her. Youre all too conceitednothings good enough for you.
BLAYNE. Not even an empty Club, a dam bad dinner at the Judges, and a Station as sickly as a hospital. Youre quite right. Were a set of Sybarites.
DOONE. Luxurious dogs, wallowing in
CURTISS. Prickly heat between the shoulders. Im covered with it. Lets hope Beora will be cooler.
BLAYNE. Whew! Are you ordered into camp, too? I thought the Gunners had a clean sheet.
CURTISS. No, worse luck. Two cases yesterdayone diedand if we have a third, out we go. Is there any shooting at Beora, Doone?
DOONE. The countrys under water, except the patch by the Grand Trunk Road. I was there yesterday, looking at a bund, and came across four poor devils in their last stage. Its rather bad from here to Kuchara.
CURTISS. Then were pretty certain to have a heavy go of it. Heigho! I shouldnt mind changing places with Gaddy for a while. Sport with Amaryllis in the shade of the Town Hall, and all that. Oh, why doesnt somebody come and marry me, instead of letting me go into cholera-camp?
MACKESY. Ask the Committee.
CURTISS. You ruffian! Youll stand me another peg for that. Blayne, what will you take? Mackesy is fine on moral grounds. Done, have you any preference?
DOONE. Small glass Kümmel, please. Excellent carminative, these days. Anthony told me so.
MACKESY. (Signing voucher for four drinks.) Most unfair punishment. I only thought of Curtiss as Actaeon being chivied round the billiard tables by the nymphs of Diana.
BLAYNE. Curtiss would have to import his nymphs by train. Mrs. Cockleys the only woman in the Station. She wont leave Cockley, and hes doing his best to get her to go.
CURTISS. Good, indeed! Heres Mrs. Cockleys health. To the only wife in the Station and a damned brave woman!
OMNES. (Drinking.) A damned brave woman
BLAYNE. I suppose Gaddy will bring his wife here at the end of the cold weather. They are going to be married almost immediately, I believe.
CURTISS. Gaddy may thank his luck that the Pink Hussars are all detachment and no headquarters this hot weather, or hed be torn from the arms of his love as sure as death. Have you ever noticed the thorough-minded way British Cavalry take to cholera? Its because they are so expensive. If the Pinks had stood fast here, they would have been out in camp a month ago. Yes, I should decidedly like to be Gaddy.
MACKESY. Hell go Home after hes married, and send in his paperssee if he doesnt.
BLAYNE. Why shouldnt he? Hasnt he money? Would any one of us be here if we werent paupers?
DOONE. Poor old pauper! What has become of the six hundred you rooked from our table last month?
BLAYNE. It took unto itself wings. I think an enterprising tradesman got some of it, and a shroff gobbled the restor else I spent it.
CURTISS. Gaddy never had dealings with a shroff in his life.
DOONE. Virtuous Gaddy! If I had three thousand a month, paid from England, I dont think Id deal with a shroff either.
MACKESY. (Yawning.) Oh, its a sweet life! I wonder whether matrimony would make it sweeter.
CURTISS. Ask Cockleywith his wife dying by inches!
BLAYNE. Go home and get a fool of a girl to come out towhat is it Thackeray says?the splendid palace of an Indian pro-consul.
DOONE. Which reminds me. My quarters leak like a sieve. I had fever last night from sleeping in a swamp. And the worst of it is, one cant do anything to a roof till the Rains are over.
CURTISS. Whats wrong with you? You havent eighty rotting Tommies to take into a running stream.
DOONE. No: but Im mixed boils and bad language. Im a regular Job all over my body. Its sheer poverty of blood, and I dont see any chance of getting richereither way.
BLAYNE. Cant you take leave?
DOONE. Thats the pull you Army men have over us. Ten days are nothing in your sight. Im so important that Government cant find a substitute if I go away. Ye-es, Id like to be Gaddy, whoever his wife may be.
CURTISS. Youve passed the turn of life that Mackesy was speaking of.
DOONE. Indeed I have, but I never yet had the brutality to ask a woman to share my life out here.
BLAYNE. On my soul I believe youre right. Im thinking of Mrs. Cockley. The womans an absolute wreck.
DOONE. Exactly. Because she stays down here. The only way to keep her fit would be to send her to the Hills for eight monthsand the same with any woman. I fancy I see myself taking a wife on those terms.
MACKESY. With the rupee at one and sixpence. The little Doones would be little Dehra Doones, with a fine Mussoorie chi-chi accent to bring home for the holidays.
CURTISS. And a pair of be-ewtiful sambhur-horns for Doone to wear, free of expense, presented by
DOONE. Yes, its an enchanting prospect. By the way, the rupee hasnt done falling yet. The time will come when we shall think ourselves lucky if we only lose half our pay.
CURTISS. Surely a thirds loss enough. Who gains by the arrangement? Thats what I want to know.
BLAYNE. The Silver Question! Im going to bed if you begin squabbling Thank Goodness, heres Anthonylooking like a ghost.
Enter ANTHONY, Indian Medical Staff, very white and tired. |
ANTHONY. Evening, Blayne. Its raining in sheets. Whiskey peg lao, khitmatgar. The roads are something ghastly.
CURTISS. Hows Mingle?
ANTHONY. Very bad, and more frightened. I handed him over to Fewton. Mingle might just as well have called him in the first place, instead of bothering me.
BLAYNE. Hes a nervous little chap. What has he got, this time?
ANTHONY. Cant quite say. A very bad tummy and a blue funk so far. He asked me at once if it was cholera, and I told him not to be a fool. That soothed him.
CURTIS. Poor devil! The funk does half the business in a man of that build.
ANTHONY. (Lighting a cheroot.) I firmly believe the funk will kill him if he stays down. You know the amount of trouble hes been giving Fewton for the last three weeks. Hes doing his very best to frighten himself into the grave.
GENERAL CHORUS. Poor little devil! Why doesnt he get away?
ANTHONY. Cant. He has his leave all right, but hes so dipped he cant take it, and I dont think his name on paper would raise four annas. Thats in confidence, though.
MACKESY. All the Station knows it.
ANTHONY. I suppose I shall have to die here, he said, squirming all across the bed. Hes quite made up his mind to Kingdom Come. And I know he has nothing more than a wet-weather tummy if he could only keep a hand on himself.
BLAYNE. Thats bad. Thats very bad. Poor little Miggy. Good little chap, too. I say
ANTHONY. What do you say?
BLAYNE. Well, look hereanyhow. If its like thatas you sayI say fifty.
CURTISS. I say fifty.
MACKESY. I go twenty better.
DOONE. Bloated Croesus of the Bar! I say fifty. Jervoise, what do you say? Hi! Wake up!
JERVOISE. Eh? Whats that? Whats that?
CURTISS. We want a hundred rupees from you. Youre a bachelor drawing a gigantic income, and theres a man in a hole.
JERVOISE. What man? Any one dead?
BLAYNE. No, but hell die if you dont give the hundred. Here! Heres a peg-voucher. You can see what weve signed for, and Anthonys man will come round to-morrow to collect it. So there will be no trouble.
JERVOISE. (Signing.) One hundred, E.M.J. There you are (feebly). It isnt one of your jokes, is it?
BLAYNE. No, it really is wanted. Anthony, you were the biggest poker-winner last week, and youve defrauded the tax-collector too long. Sign!
ANTHONY. Lets see. Three fifties and a seventy-two twenty-three twentysay four hundred and twenty. Thatll give him a month clear at the Hills. Many thanks, you men. Ill send round the chaprassi to-morrow.
CURTISS. You must engineer him taking the stuff, and of course you mustnt
ANTHONY. Of course. It would never do. Hed weep with gratitude over his evening drink.
BLAYNE. Thats just what he would do, damn him. Oh! I say, Anthony, you pretend to know everything. Have you heard about Gaddy?
ANTHONY. No. Divorce Court at last?
BLAYNE. Worse. Hes engaged!
ANTHONY. How much? He cant be!
BLAYNE. He is. Hes going to be married in a few weeks. Markyn told me at the Judges this evening. Its pukka.
ANTHONY. You dont say so? Holy Moses! Therell be a shine in the tents of Kedar.
CURTISS. Regiment cut up rough, think you?
ANTHONY. Dont know anything about the Regiment.
MACKESY. It is bigamy, then?
ANTHONY. Maybe. Do you mean to say that you men have forgotten, or is there more charity in the world than I thought?
DOONE. You dont look pretty when you are trying to keep a secret. You bloat. Explain.
ANTHONY. Mrs. Herriott!
BLAYNE. (After a long pause, to the room generally.) Its my notion that we are a set of fools.
MACKESY. Nonsense. That business was knocked on the head last season. Why, young Mallard
ANTHONY. Mallard was a candlestick, paraded as such. Think awhile. Recollect last season and the talk then. Mallard or no Mallard, did Gaddy ever talk to any other woman?
CURTISS. Theres something in that. It was slightly noticeable now you come to mention it. But shes at Naini Tat and hes at Simla.
ANTHONY. He had to go to Simla to look after a globe-trotter relative of hisa person with a title. Uncle or aunt.
BLAYNE. And there he got engaged. No law prevents a man growing tired of a woman.
ANTHONY. Except that he mustnt do it till the woman is tired of him. And the Herriott woman was not that.
CURTISS. She may be now. Two months of Naini Tal works wonders.
DOONE. Curious thing how some women carry a Fate with them. There was a Mrs. Deegie in the Central Provinces whose men invariably fell away and got married. It became a regular proverb with us when I was down there. I remember three men desperately devoted to her, and they all, one after another, took wives.
CURTISS. Thats odd. Now I should have thought that Mrs. Deegies influence would have led them to take other mens wives. It ought to have made them afraid of the judgment of Providence.
ANTHONY. Mrs. Herriott will make Gaddy afraid of something more than the judgment of Providence, I fancy.
BLAYNE. Supposing things are as you say, hell be a fool to face her. Hell sit tight at Simla.
ANTHONY. Shouldnt be a bit surprised if he went off to Naini to explain. Hes an unaccountable sort of man, and shes likely to be a more than unaccountable woman.
DOONE. What makes you take her character away so confidently?
ANTHONY. Primum tempus. Gaddy was her first and a woman doesnt allow her first man to drop away without expostulation. She justifies the first transfer of affection to herself by swearing that it is forever and ever. Consequently
BLAYNE. Consequently, we are sitting here till past one oclock, talking scandal like a set of Station cats. Anthony, its all your fault. We were perfectly respectable till you came in. Go to bed. Im off, Good-night all.
CURTISS. Past one! Its past two by Jove, and heres the khit coming for the late charge. Just Heavens! One, two, three, four, five rupees to pay for the pleasure of saying that a poor little beast of a woman is no better than she should be. Im ashamed of myself. Go to bed, you slanderous villains, and if Im sent to Beora to-morrow, be prepared to hear Im dead before paying my card account!
SCENEA Naini Tal dinner for thirty-four. Plate, wines, crockery, and khitmatgars care fully calculated to scale of Rs. 6000 per mensem, less Exchange. Table split lengthways by bank of flowers. |
MRS. HERRIOTT. (After conversation has risen to proper pitch.) Ah! Didnt see you in the crush in the drawing-room. (Sotto voce.) Where have you been all this while, Pip?
CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Turning from regularly ordained dinner partner and settling hock glasses.) Good evening. (Sotto voce.) Not quite so loud another time. Youve no notion how your voice carries. (Aside.) So much for shirking the written explanation. Itll have to be a verbal one now. Sweet prospect! How on earth am I to tell her that I am a respectable, engaged member of society and its all over between us?
MRS. H. Ive a heavy score against you. Where were you at the Monday Pip? Where were you on Tuesday? Where were you at the Lamonts tennis? I was looking everywhere.
CAPT. G. For me! Oh, I was alive somewhere, I suppose. (Aside.) Its for Minnies sake, but its going to be dashed unpleasant.
MRS. H. Have I done anything to offend you? I never meant it if I have. I couldnt help going for a ride with the Vaynor man. It was promised a week before you came up.
CAPT. G. I didnt know
MRS. H. It really was.
CAPT. G. Anything about it, I mean.
MRS. H. What has upset you today? All these days? You havent been near me for four whole daysnearly one hundred hours. Was it kind of you, Pip? And Ive been looking forward so much to your coming.
CAPT. G. Have you?
MRS. H. You know I have! Ive been as foolish as a schoolgirl about it. I made a little calendar and put it in my card-case, and every time the twelve oclock gun went off I scratched out a square and said: That brings me nearer to Pip. My Pip!
CAPT. G. (With an uneasy laugh). What will Mackler think if you neglect him so?
MRS. H. And it hasnt brought you nearer. You seem farther away than ever. Are you sulking about something? I know your temper.
CAPT. G. No.
MRS. H. Have I grown old in the last few months, then? (Reaches forward to bank of flowers for menu-card.)
PARTNER ON LEFT. Allow me. (Hands menu-card. MRS. H. keeps her arm at full stretch for three seconds.)
MRS. H. (To partner.) Oh, thanks. I didnt see. (Turns right again.) Is anything in me changed at all?
CAPT. G. For Goodnesss sake go on with your dinner! You must eat something. Try one of those cutlet arrangements. (Aside.) And I fancied she had good shoulders, once upon a time! What an ass a man can make of himself!
MRS. H. (Helping herself to a paper frill, seven peas, some stamped carrots and a spoonful of gravy.) That isnt an answer. Tell me whether I have done anything.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) If it isnt ended here there will be a ghastly scene some-where else. If only Id written to her and stood the racketat long range! (To Khitmatgar.) Han! Simpkin do.[Yes. Champagne.] (Aloud.) Ill tell you later on.
MRS. H. Tell me now. It must be some foolish misunderstanding, and you know that there was to be nothing of that sort between us. We of all people in the world, cant afford it. Is it the Vaynor man, and dont you like to say so? On my honor
CAPT. G. I havent given the Vaynor man a thought.
MRS. H. But how dyou know that I havent?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Heres my chance and may the Devil help me through with it. (Aloud and measuredly.) Believe me, I do not care how often or how tenderly you think of the Vaynor man.
MRS. H. I wonder if you mean that.Oh, what is the good of squabbling and pretending to misunderstand when you are only up for so short a time? Pip, dont be a stupid!
Follows a pause, during which he crosses his left leg over his right and continues his dinner. |
CAPT. G. (In answer to the thunderstorm in her eyes.) Cornsmy worst.
MRS. H. Upon my word, you are the very rudest man in the world! Ill never do it again.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) No, I dont think you will; but I wonder what you will do before its all over. (To Khitmatgar.) Thorah ur Simpkin do. [A little more champagne.]
MRS. H. Well! Havent you the grace to apologize, bad man?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) I mustnt let it drift back now. Trust a woman for being as blind as a bat when she wont see.
MRS. H. Im waiting; or would you like me to dictate a form of apology?
CAPT. G. (Desperately.) By all means dictate.
MRS. H. (Lightly.) Very well. Rehearse your several Christian names after me and go on: Profess my sincere repentance.
CAPT. G. Sincere repentance.
MRS. H. For having behaved
CAPT. G. (Aside.) At last! I wish to Goodness shed look away. For having behavedas I have behaved, and declare that I am thoroughly and heartily sick of the whole business, and take this opportunity of making clear my intention of ending it, now, henceforward, and forever. (Aside.) If any one had told me I should be such a blackguard!
MRS. H. (Shaking a spoonful of potato chips into her plate.) Thats not a pretty joke.
CAPT. G. No. Its a reality. (Aside.) I wonder if smashes of this kind are always so raw.
MRS. H. Really, Pip, youre getting more absurd every day.
CAPT. G. I dont think you quite understand me. Shall I repeat it?
MRS. H. No! For pitys sake dont do that. Its too terrible, even in fur.
CAPT. G. Ill let her think it over for a while. But I ought to be horsewhipped.
MRS. H. I want to know what you meant by what you said just now.
CAPT. G. Exactly what I said. No less.
MRS. H. But what have I done to deserve it? What have I done?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) If she only wouldnt look at me. (Aloud and very slowly, his eyes on his plate.) Dyou remember that evening in July, before the Rains broke, when you said that the end would have to come sooner or laterand you wondered for which of us it would come first?
MRS. H. Yes! I was only joking. And you swore that, as long as there was breath in your body, it should never come. And I believed you.
CAPT. G. (Fingering menu-card.) Well, it has. Thats all.
A long pause, during which MRS. H. bows her head and rolls the bread-twist into little pellets; G. stares at the oleanders. |
MRS. H. (Throwing back her head and laughing naturally.) They train us women well, dont they, Pip?
CAPT. G. (Brutally, touching shirt-stud.) So far as the expression goes. (Aside.) It isnt in her nature to take things quietly. Therell be an explosion yet.
MRS. H. (With a shudder.) Thank you. B-but even Red Indians allow people to wriggle when theyre being tortured, I believe. (Slips fan from girdle and fans slowly: rim of fan level with chin.)
PARTNER ON LEFT. Very close tonight, isnt it? You find it too much for you?
MRS. H. Oh, no, not in the least. But they really ought to have punkahs, even in your cool Naini Tal, oughtnt they? (Turns, dropping fan and raising eyebrows.)
CAPT. G. Its all right. (Aside.) Here comes the storm!
MRS. H. (Her eyes on the tablecloth: fan ready in right hand.) It was very cleverly managed, Pip, and I congratulate you. You sworeyou never contented yourself with merely saying a thingyou swore that, as far as lay in your power, youd make my wretched life pleasant for me. And youve denied me the consolation of breaking down. I should have done itindeed I should. A woman would hardly have thought of this refinement, my kind, considerate friend. (Fan-guard as before.) You have explained things so tenderly and truthfully, too! You havent spoken or written a word of warning, and you have let me believe in you till the last minute. You havent condescended to give me your reason yet. No! A woman could not have managed it half so well. Are there many men like you in the world?
CAPT. G. Im sure I dont know. (To Khitmatgar.) Ohé! Simpkin do.
MRS. H. You call yourself a man of the world, dont you? Do men of the world behave like Devils when they a woman the honor to get tired of her?
CAPT. G. Im sure I dont know. Dont speak so loud!
MRS. H. Keep us respectable, O Lord, whatever happens. Dont be afraid of my compromising you. Youve chosen your ground far too well, and Ive been properly brought up. (Lowering fan.) Havent you any pity, Pip, except for yourself?
CAPT. G. Wouldnt it be rather impertinent of me to say that Im sorry for you?
MRS. H. I think you have said it once or twice before. Youre growing very careful of my feelings. My God, Pip, I was a good woman once! You said I was. Youve made me what I am. What are you going to do with me? What are you going to do with me? Wont you say that you are sorry? (Helps herself to iced asparagus.)
CAPT. G. I am sorry for you, if you want the pity of such a brute as I am. Im awfly sorry for you.
MRS. H. Rather tame for a man of the world. Do you think that that admission clears you?
CAPT. G. What can I do? I can only tell you what I think of myself. You cant think worse than that?
MRS. H. Oh, yes, I can! And now, will you tell me the reason of all this? Remorse? Has Bayard been suddenly conscience-stricken?
CAPT. G. (Angrily, his eyes still lowered.) No! The thing has come to an end on my side. Thats all. Mafeesh!
MRS. H. Thats all. Mafeesh! As though I were a Cairene Dragoman. You used to make prettier speeches. Dyou remember when you said?
CAPT. G. For Heavens sake dont bring that back! Call me anything you like and Ill admit it
MRS. H. But you dont care to be reminded of old lies? If I could hope to hurt you one-tenth as much as you have hurt me to-nightNo, I wouldnt-I couldnt do itliar though you are.
CAPT. G. Ive spoken the truth.
MRS. H. My dear Sir, you flatter yourself. You have lied over the reason. Pip, remember that I know you as you dont know yourself. You have heen everything to me, though you are (Fan-guard.) Oh, what a contemptible Thing it is! And so you are merely tired of me?
CAPT. G. Since you insist upon my repeating itYes.
MRS. H. Lie the first. I wish I knew a coarser word. Lie seems so in-effectual in your case. The fire has just died out and there is no fresh one? Think for a minute, Pip, if you care whether I despise you more than I do. Simply Mafeesh, is it?
CAPT. G. Yes. (Aside.) I think I deserve this.
MRS. H. Lie number two. Before the next glass chokes you, tell me her name.
CAPT. G. (Aside. ) Ill make her pay for dragging Minnie into the business! (Aloud.) Is it likely?
MRS. H. Very likely if you thought that it would flatter your vanity. Youd cry my name on the house-tops to make people turn round.
CAPT. G. I wish I had. There would have been an end to this business.
MRS. H. Oh, no, there would notAnd so you were going to be virtuous and blasé, were you? To come to me and say: Ive done with you. The incident is cloosed. I ought to be proud of having kept such a man so long.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) It only remains to pray for the end of the dinner. (Aloud.) You know what I think of myself.
MRS. H. As its the only person in he world you ever do think of, and as I know your mind thoroughly, I do. You want to get it all over and Oh, I cant keep you back! And youre goingthink of it, Pipto throw me over for another woman. And you swore that all other women werePip, my Pip! She cant care for you as I do. Believe me, she cant. Is it any one that I know?
CAPT. G. Thank Goodness it isnt. (Aside.) I expected a cyclone, but not an earthquake.
MRS. H. She cant! Is there anything that I wouldnt do for youor havent done? And to think that I should take this trouble over you, knowing what you are! Do you despise me for it?
CAPT. G. (Wiping his mouth to hide a smile.) Again? Its entirely a work of charity on your part.
MRS. H. Ahhh! But I have no right to resent it.Is she better-looking than I? Who was it said?
CAPT. G. Nonot that!
MRS. H. Ill be more merciful than you were. Dont you know that all women are alike?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Then this is the exception that proves the rule.
MRS. H. All of them! Ill tell you anything you like. I will, upon my word! They only want the admirationfrom anybodyno matter whoanybody! But there is always one man that they care for more than any one else in the world, and would sacrifice all the others to. Oh, do listen! Ive kept the Vaynor man trotting after me like a poodle, and he believes that he is the only man I am interested in. Ill tell you what he said to me.
CAPT. G. Spare him. (Aside.) I wonder what his version is.
MRS. H. Hes been waiting for me to look at him all through dinner. Shall I do it, and you can see what an idiot he looks?
CAPT. G. But what imports the nomination of this gentleman?
MRS. H. Watch! (Sends a glance to the Vaynor man, who tries vainly to combine a mouthful of ice pudding, a smirk of self-satisfaction, a glare of intense devotion, and the stolidity of a Bntish dining countenance.)
CAPT. G. (Critically.) He doesnt look pretty. Why didnt you wait till the spoon was out of his mouth?
MRS. H. To amuse you. Shell make an exhibition of you as Ive made of him; and people will laugh at you. Oh, Pip, cant you see that? Its as plain as the noonday Sun. Youll be trotted about and told lies, and made a fool of like the others. I never made a fool of you, did I?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) What a clever little woman it is!
MRS. H. Well, what have you to say?
CAPT. G. I feel better.
MRS. H. Yes, I suppose so, after I have come down to your level. I couldnt have done it if I hadnt cared for you so much. I have spoken the truth.
CAPT. G. It doesnt alter the situation.
MRS. H. (Passionately.) Then she has said that she cares for you! Dont believe her, Pip. Its a lieas bad as yours to me!
CAPT. G. Ssssteady! Ive a notion that a friend of yours is looking at you.
MRS. H. He! I hate him. He introduced you to me.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) And some people would like women to assist in making the laws. Introduction to imply condonement. (Aloud.) Well, you see, if you can remember so far back as that, I couldnt, in common politeness, refuse the offer.
MRS. H. In common politeness! We have got beyond that!
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Old ground means fresh trouble. (Aloud.) On my honor
MRS. H. Your what? Ha, ha!
CAPT. G. Dishonor, then. Shes not what you imagine. I meant to
MRS. H. Dont tell me anything about her! She wont care for you, and when you come back, after having made an exhibition of yourself, youll find me occupied with
CAPT. G. (Insolently.) You couldnt while I am alive. (Aside.) If that doesnt bring her pride to her rescue, nothing will.
MRS. H. (Drawing herself up.) Couldnt do it? I? (Softening.) Youre right. I dont believe I couldthough you are what you area coward and a liar in grain.
CAPT. G. It doesnt hurt so much after your little lecturewith demonstrations.
MRS. H. One mass of vanity! Will nothing ever touch you in this life? There must be a Hereafter if its only for the benefit of But you will have it all to yourself.
CAPT. G. (Under his eyebrows.) Are you certain of that?
MRS. H. I shall have had mine in this life; and it will serve me right.
CAPT. G. But the admiration that you insisted on so strongly a moment ago? (Aside.) Oh, I am a brute!
MRS. H. (Fiercely.) Will that console me for knowing that you will go to her with the same words, the same arguments, and thethe same pet names you used to me? And if she cares for you, you two will laugh over my story. Wont that be punishment heavy enough even for meeven for me?And its all useless. Thats another punishment.
CAPT. G. (Feebly.) Oh, come! Im not so low as you think.
MRS. H. Not now, perhaps, but you will be. Oh, Pip, if a woman flatters your vanity, theres nothing on earth that you would not tell her; and no meanness that you would not do. Have I known you so long without knowing that?
CAPT. G. If you can trust me in nothing elseand I dont see why I should be trustedyou can count upon my holding my tongue.
MRS. H. If you denied everything youve said this evening and declared it was all in fun (a long pause), Id trust you. Not otherwise. All I ask is, dont tell her my name. Please dont. A man might forget: a woman never would. (Looks up table and sees hostess beginning to collect eyes.) So its all ended, through no fault of mineHavent I behaved beautifully? Ive accepted your dismissal, and you managed it as cruelly as you could, and I have made you respect my sex, havent I? (Arranging gloves and fan.) I only pray that shell know you some day as I know you now. I wouldnt be you then, for I think even your conceit will be hurt. I hope shell pay you back the humiliation youve brought on me. I hopeNo. I dont! I cant give you up! I must have something to look forward to or I shall go crazy. When its all over, come back to me, come back to me, and youll find that youre my Pip still!
CAPT. G. (Very clearly.) False move, and you pay for it. Its a girl!
MRS. H. (Rising.) Then it was true! They said but I wouldnt insult you by asking. A girl! I was a girl not very long ago. Be good to her, Pip. I daresay she believes in you.
Goes out with an uncertain smile. He watches her through the door, and settles into a chair as the men redistribute themselves. |
CAPT. G. Now, if there is any Power who looks after this world, will He kindly tell me what I have done? (Reaching out for the claret, and half aloud.) What have I done?
SCENE.A bachelors bedroom-toilet-table arranged with unnatural neatness. CAPTAIN GADSBY asleep and snoring heavily. Time, 10:30 a.m.a glorious autumn day at Simla. Enter delicately CAPTAIN MAFFLIN of GADSBYs regiment. Looks at sleeper, and shakes his head murmuring Poor Gaddy. Performs violent fantasia with hair-brushes on chairback. |
CAPT. M. Wake up, my sleeping beauty! (Roars.)
Uprouse ye, then, my merry merry men! It is our opening day! It is our opening da-ay! |
Gaddy, the little dicky-birds have been billing and cooing for ever so long; and Im here!
CAPT. G. (Sitting up and yawning.) Mornin. This is awfly good of you, old fellow. Most awfly good of you. Dont know what I should do without you. Pon my soul, I dont. Havent slept a wink all night.
CAPT. M. I didnt get in till half-past eleven. Had a look at you then, and you seemed to be sleeping as soundly as a condemned criminal.
CAPT. G. Jack, if you want to make those disgustingly worn-out jokes, youd better go away. (With portentous gravity.) Its the happiest day in my life.
CAPT. M. (Chuckling grimly.) Not by a very long chalk, my son. Youre going through some of the most refined torture youve ever known. But be calm. I am with you. Shun! Dress!
CAPT. G. Eh! Wha-at?
CAPT. M. Do you suppose that you are your own master for the next twelve hours? If you do, of course (Makes for the door.)
CAPT. G. No! For Goodness sake, old man, dont do that! Youll see me through, wont you? Ive been mugging up that beastly drill, and cant remember a line of it.
CAPT. M. (Overturning G.s uniform.) Go and tub. Dont bother me. Ill give you ten minutes to dress in.
Interval, filled by the noise as of one splashing in the bath-room. |
CAPT. G. (Emerging from dressing-room.) What time is it?
CAPT. M. Nearly eleven.
CAPT. G. Five hours more. O Lord!
CAPT. M. (Aside.) First sign of funk, that. Wonder if its going to spread. (Aloud.) Come along to breakfast.
CAPT. G. I cant eat anything. I dont want any breakfast.
CAPT. M. (Aside.) So early! (Aloud) Captain Gadsby, I order you to eat breakfast, and a dashed good breakfast, too. None of your bridal airs and graces with me!
Leads G. downstairs and stands over him while he eats two chops. |
CAPT. G. (Who has looked at his watch thrice in the last five minutes.) What time is it?
CAPT. M. Time to come for a walk. Light up.
CAPT. G. I havent smoked for ten days, and I wont now. (Takes cheroot which M. has cut for him, and blows smoke through his nose luxuriously.) We arent going down the Mall, are we?
CAPT. M. (Aside.) Theyre all alike in these stages. (Aloud.) No, my Vestal. Were going along the quietest road we can find.
CAPT. G. Any chance of seeing Her?
CAPT. M. Innocent! No! Come along, and, if you want me for the final obsequies, dont cut my eye out with your stick.
CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) I say, isnt She the dearest creature that ever walked? Whats the time? What comes after wilt thou take this woman?
CAPT. M. You go for the ring. Rclect itll be on the top of my right-hand little finger, and just be careful how you draw it off, because I shall have the Vergers fees somewhere in my glove.
CAPT. G. (Walking forward hastily.) D the Verger! Come along! Its past twelve and I havent seen Her since yesterday evening. (Spinning round again.) Shes an absolute angel, Jack, and Shes a dashed deal too good for me. Look here, does She come up the aisle on my arm, or how?
CAPT. M. If I thought that there was the least chance of your remembering anything for two consecutive minutes, Id tell you. Stop passaging about like that!
CAPT. G. (Halting in the middle of the road.) I say, Jack.
CAPT. M. Keep quiet for another ten minutes if you can, you lunatic; and walk!
The two tramp at five miles an hour for fifteen minutes. |
CAPT. G. Whats the time? How about the cursed wedding-cake and the slippers? They dont throw em about in church, do they?
CAPT. M. In-variably. The Padre leads off with his boots.
CAPT. G. Confound your silly soul! Dont make fun of me. I cant stand it, and I wont!
CAPT. M. (Untroubled.) So-ooo, old horse Youll have to sleep for a couple of hours this afternoon.
CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) Im not going to be treated like a dashed child. Understand that
CAPT. M. (Aside.) Nerves gone to fiddle-strings. What a day were having! (Tenderly putting his hand on G.s shoulder.) My David, how long have you known this Jonathan? Would I come up here to make a fool of youafter all these years?
CAPT. G. (Penitently.) I know, I know, Jackbut Im as upset as I
can be. Dont mind what I say. Just hear me run through the drill
and see if Ive got it all right:
To have and to hold for better or
worse, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world
without end, so help me God. Amen.
CAPT. M. (Suffocating with suppressed laughter.) Yes. Thats about the gist of it. Ill prompt if you get into a hat.
CAPT. G. (Earnestly.) Yes, youll stick by me, Jack, wont you? Im awfully happy, but I dont mind telling you that Im in a blue funk!
CAPT. M. (Gravely.) Are you? I should never have noticed it. You dont look like it.
CAPT. G. Dont I? Thats all right. (Spinning round.) On my soul and honor, Jack, Shes the sweetest little angel that ever came down from the sky. There isnt a woman on earth fit to speak to Her.
CAPT. M. (Aside.) And this is old Gaddy! (Aloud.) Go on if it relieves you.
CAPT. G. You can laugh! Thats all you wild asses of bachelors are fit for.
CAPT. M. (Drawling.) You never would wait for the troop to come up. You arent quite married yet, yknow.
CAPT. G. Ugh! That reminds me. I dont believe I shall be able to get into any boots Lets go home and try em on (Hurries forward.)
CAPT. M. Wouldnt be in your shoes for anything that Asia has to offer.
CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) That just shows your hideous blackness of soulyour dense stupidityyour brutal narrow-mindedness. Theres only one fault about you. Youre the best of good fellows, and I dont know what I should have done without you, butyou arent married. (Wags his head gravely.) Take a wife, Jack.
CAPT. M. (With a face like a wall.) Ya-as. Whose for choice?
CAPT. G. If youre going to be a blackguard, Im going onWhats the time?
CAPT. M. (Hums.)
An since twas very clear we drank only ginger-beer, Faith, there must ha been some stingo in the ginger. |
Come back, you maniac. Im going to take you home, and youre going to lie down.
CAPT. G. What on earth do I want to lie down for?
CAPT. M. Give me a light from your cheroot and see.
CAPT. G. (Watching cheroot-butt quiver like a tuning-fork.) Sweet state Im in!
CAPT. M. You are. Ill get you a peg and youll go to sleep.
They return and M. compounds a four-finger peg. |
CAPT. G. O bus! bus! Itll make me as drunk as an owl.
CAPT. M. Curious thing, twont have the slightest effect on you. Drink it off, chuck yourself down there, and go to bye-bye.
CAPT. G. Its absurd. I shant sleep, I know I shant!
Falls into heavy doze at end of seven minutes. CAPT. M. watches him tenderly. |
CAPT. M. Poor old Gaddy! Ive seen a few turned off before, but never one who went to the gallows in this condition. Cant tell how it affects em, though. Its the thoroughbreds that sweat when theyre backed into double-harness.And thats the man who went through the guns at Amdheran like a devil possessed of devils. (Leans over G.) But this is worse than the guns, old palworse than the guns, isnt it? (G. turns in his sleep, and M. touches him clumsily on the forehead.) Poor, dear old Gaddy! Going like the rest of emgoing like the rest of emFriend that sticketh closer than a brothereight years. Dashed bit of a slip of a girleight weeks! Andwheres your friend? (Smokes disconsolately till church clock strikes three.)
CAPT. M. Up with you! Get into your kit.
CAPT. G. Already? Isnt it too soon? Hadnt I better have a shave?
CAPT. M. No! Youre all right. (Aside.) Hed hack his chin to pieces.
CAPT. C. Whats the hurry?
CAPT. M. Youve got to be there first.
CAPT. C. To be stared at?
CAPT. M. Exactly. Youre part of the show. Wheres the burnisher? Your spurs are in a shameful state.
CAPT. G. (Gruffly.) Jack, I be damned if you shall do that for me.
CAPT. M. (More gruffly.) Dry up and get dressed! If I choose to clean your spurs, youre under my orders.
CAPT. G. dresses. M. follows suit. |
CAPT. M. (Critically, walking round.) Myes, youll do. Only dont look so like a criminal. Ring, gloves, feesthats all right for me. Let your moustache alone. Now, if the ponies are ready, well go.
CAPT. G. (Nervously.) Its much too soon. Lets light up! Lets have a peg! Lets
CAPT. M. Lets make bally asses of ourselves!
BELLS. (Without.)
Goodpeopleall To prayerswe call. |
CAPT. M. There go the bells! Come onunless youd rather not. (They ride off.)
BELLS.
We honor the King And Brides joy do bring Good tidings we tell, And ring the Deads knell. |
CAPT. G. (Dismounting at the door of the Church.) I say, arent we much too soon? There are no end of people inside. I say, arent we much too late? Stick by me, Jack! What the devil do I do?
CAPT. M. Strike an attitude at the bead of the aisle and wait for Her. (G. groans as M. wheels him into position before three hundred eyes.)
CAPT. M. (Imploringly.) Gaddy, if you love me, for pitys sake, for the Honor of the Regiment, stand up! Chuck yourself into your uniform! Look like a man! Ive got to speak to the Padre a minute. (G. breaks into a gentle Perspiration.) Stand up! If you wipe your face Ill never be your best man again. Stand up! (G. Trembles visibly.)
CAPT. M. (Returning.) Shes commg now. Look out when the music starts. Theres the organ beginning to clack.
Bride steps out of rickshaw at Church door. G. catches a glimpse of her and takes heart. |
ORGAN.
The Voice that breathed oer Eden, That earliest marriage day, The primal marriage-blessing, It hath not passed away. |
CAPT. M. (Watching G.) By Jove! He is looking well. Didnt think he had it in him.
CAPT. G. How long does this hymn go on for?
CAPT. M. It will be over directly. (Ansiously.) Beginning to bleach and gulp. Hold on, Gabby, and think o the Regiment.
CAPT. G. (Measuredly.) I say theres a big brown lizard crawling up that wall.
CAPT. M. My Sainted Mother! The last stage of collapse!
Bride comes up to left of altar, lifts her eyes once to G., who is suddenly smitten mad. |
CAPT. G. (To himself again and again.) Little Featherweights a womana woman! And I thought She was a little girl.
CAPT. M. (In a whisper.) Form the haltinward wheel.
CAPT. G. Obeys mechanically and the ceremony proceeds. |
PADRE. . . . only unto her as ye both shall live?
CAPT. G. (His throat useless.) Hahmmm!
CAPT. M. Say you will or you wont. Theres no second deal here.
Bride gives response with perfect coolness, and is given away by the father. |
CAPT. G. (Thinking to show his learning.) Jack give me away now, quick!
CAPT. M. Youve given yourself away quite enough. Her right hand, man! Repeat! Repeat! Theodore Philip. Have you forgotten your own name?
CAPT. G. stumbles through Affirmation, which Bride repeats without a tremor. |
CAPT. M. Now the ring! Follow the Padre! Dont pull off my glove! Here it is! Great Cupid, hes found his voice.
CAPT. G. repeats Troth in a voice to be heard to the end of the Church and turns on his heel. |
CAPT. M. (Desperately.) Rein back! Back to your troop! Tisnt half legal yet.
PADRE. . . . joined together let no man put asunder.
CAPT. G. paralyzed with fear jibs after Blessing. |
CAPT. M. (Quickly.) On your own frontone length. Take her with you. I dont come. Youve nothing to say. (CAPT. G. jingles up to altar.)
CAPT. M. (In a piercing rattle meant to be a whisper.) Kneel, you stiff-necked ruffian! Kneel!
PADRE. . . whose daughters are ye so long as ye do well and are not afraid with any amazement.
CAPT. M. Dismiss! Break off! Left wheel!
All troop to vestry. They sign. |
CAPT. M. Kiss Her, Gaddy.
CAPT. G. (Rubbing the ink into his glove.) Eh! Whaat?
CAPT. M. (Taking one pace to Bride.) If you dont, I shall.
CAPT. G. (Interposing an arm.) Not this journey!
General kissing, in which CAPT. G. is pursued by unknown female. |
CAPT. G. (Faintly to M.) This is Hades! Can I wipe my face now?
CAPT. M. My responsibility has ended. Better ask Missis Gadsby.
CAPT. G. winces as though shot and procession is Mendelssohned out of Church to house, where usual tortures take place over the wedding-cake. |
CAPT. M. (At table.) Up with you, Gaddy. They expect a speech.
CAPT. G. (After three minutes agony.) HaHmmm. (Thunders of applause.)
CAPT. M. Doocid good, for a first attempt. Now go and change your kit while Mamma is weeping overthe Missus. (CAPT. G. disappears. CAPT. M. starts up tearing his hair.) Its not half legal. Where are the shoes? Get an ayah.
AYAH. Missie Captain Sahib done gone band karo all the jutis.
CAPT. M. (Brandishing scab larded sword.) Woman, produce those shoes Some one lend me a bread-knife. We mustnt crack Gaddys head more than it is. (Slices heel off white satin slipper and puts slipper up his sleeve.) Where is the Bride? (To the company at large.) Be tender with that rice. Its a heathen custom. Give me the big bag.
Bride slips out quietly into rickshaw and departs toward the sun-set. |
CAPT. M. (In the open.) Stole away, by Jove! So much the worse for Gaddy! Here he is. Now Gaddy, thisll be livelier than Amdberan! Wheres your horse?
CAPT. G. (Furiously, seeing that the women are out of an earshot.) Where the is my Wife?
CAPT. M. Half-way to Mahasu by this time. Youll have to ride like Young Lochinvar.
Horse comes round on his hind legs; refuses to let G. handle him. |
CAPT. G. Oh you will, will you? Get round, you bruteyou hogyou beast! Get round!
Wrenches horses head over, nearly breaking lower jaw: swings himself into saddle, and sends home both spurs in the midst of a spattering gale of Best Patna. |
CAPT. M. For your life and your loveride, GaddyAnd God bless you!
Throws half a pound of rice at G. who disappears, bowed forward on the saddle, in a cloud of sun-lit dust. |
CAPT. M. Ive lost old Gaddy. (Lights cigarette and strolls off, singing absently):
You may carve it on his tombstone, You may cut it on his card, That a young man married is a young man marred! |
MISS DEERCOURT. (From her horse.) Really, Captain Mafflin! You are more plain spoken than polite!
CAPT. M. (Aside.) They say marriage is like cholera. Wonder wholl be the next victim.
White satin slipper slides from his sleeve and falls at his feet. Left wondering. |
SCENE.Thymy grass-plot at back of the Mahasu dak-bungalow, overlooking little wooded valley. On the left, glimpse of the Dead Forest of Fagoo; on the right, Simla Hills. In background, line of the Snows. CAPTAIN GADSBY, now three weeks a husband, is smoking the pipe of peace on a rug in the sunshine. Banjo and tobacco-pouch on rug. Overhead the Fagoo eagles. MRS. G. comes out of bungalow. |
MRS. G. My husband!
CAPT. G. (Lazily, with intense enjoyment.) Eh, wha-at? Say that again.
MRS. G. Ive written to Mamma and told her that we shall be back on the 17th.
CAPT. G. Did you give her my love?
MRS. G. No, I kept all that for myself. (Sitting down by his side.) I thought you wouldnt mind.
CAPT. G. (With mock sternness.) I object awfly. How did you know that it was yours to keep?
MRS. G. I guessed, Phil.
CAPT. G. (Rapturously.) Lit-tle Featherweight!
MRS. G. I won t be called those sporting pet names, bad boy.
CAPT. G. Youll be called anything I choose. Has it ever occurred to you, Madam, that you are my Wife?
MRS. G. It has. I havent ceased wondering at it yet.
CAPT. G. Nor I. It seems so strange; and yet, somehow, it doesnt. (Confidently.) You see, it could have been no-one else.
MRS. G. (Softly.) No. No-one elsefor me or for you. It must have been all arranged from the beginning. Phil, tell me again what made you care for me.
CAPT. G. How could I help it? You were you, you know.
MRS. G. Did you ever want to help it? Speak the truth!
CAPT. G. (A twinkle in his eye.) I did, darling, just at the first. But only at the very first. (Chuckles.) I called youstoop low and Ill whispera little beast. Ho! Ho! Ho!
MRS. G. (Taking him by the moustache and making him sit up.) Alittlebeast! Stop laughing over your crime! And yet you had thetheawful cheek to propose to me!
CAPT. G. Id changed my mind then. And you werent a little beast any more.
MRS. G. Thank you, sir! And when was I ever?
CAPT. G. Never! But that first day, when you gave me tea in that peach-colored muslin gown thing, you lookedyou did indeed, dearsuch an absurd little mite. And I didnt know what to say to you.
MRS. G. (Twisting moustache.) So you said little beast. Upon my word, Sir! I called you a Crrrreature, but I wish now I had called you something worse.
CAPT. G. (Very meekly.) I apologize, but youre hurting me awfly. (Interlude.) Youre welcome to torture me again on those terms.
MRS. G. Oh, why did you let me do it?
CAPT. G. (Looking across valley.) No reason in particular, butif it amused you or did you any goodyou mightwipe those dear little boots of yours on me.
MRS. G. (Stretching out her hands.) Dont! Oh, dont! Philip, my King, please dont talk like that. Its how I feel. Youre so much too good for me. So much too good!
CAPT. G. Me! Im not fit to put my arm around you. (Puts it round.)
MRS. G. Yes, you are. But Iwhat have I ever done?
CAPT. G. Given me a wee bit of your heart, havent you, my Queen!
MRS. G. Thats nothing. Any one would do that. They couldnt help it.
CAPT. G. Pussy, youll make me horribly conceited. Just when I was beginning to feel so humble, too.
MRS. G. Humble! I dont believe its in your character.
CAPT. G. What do you know of my character, Impertinence?
MRS. G. Ah, but I shall, shant I, Phil? I shall have time in all the years and years to come, to know everything about you; and there will be no secrets between us.
CAPT. G. Little witch! I believe you know me thoroughly already.
MRS. G. I think I can guess. Youre selfish?
CAPT. G. Yes.
MRS. G. Foolish?
CAPT. G. Very.
MRS. G. And a dear?
CAPT. G. That is as my lady pleases.
MRS. G. Then your lady is pleased. (A pause.) Dyou know that were two solemn, serious, grown-up people
CAPT. G. (Tilting her straw hat over her eyes.) You grown-up! Pooh! Youre a baby.
MRS. G. And were talking nonsense.
CAPT. G. Then lets go on talking nonsense. I rather like it. Pussy, Ill tell you a secret. Promise not to repeat?
MRS. G. Yees. Only to you.
CAPT. G. I love you.
MRS. G. Re-ally! For how long?
CAPT. G. Forever and ever.
MRS. G. Thats a long time.
CAPT. G. Think so? Its the shortest I can do with.
MRS. G. Youre getting quite clever.
CAPT. G. Im talking to you.
MRS. G. Prettily turned. Hold up your stupid old head and Ill pay you for it.
CAPT. G. (Affecting supreme contempt.) Take it yourself if you want it.
MRS. G. Ive a great mind toand I will! (Takes it and is repaid with interest.)
CAPT. G. Little Featherweight, its my opinion that we are a couple of idiots.
MRS. G. Were the only two sensible people in the world. Ask the eagle. Hes coming by.
CAPT. G. Ah! I dare say hes seen a good many sensible people at Mahasu. They say that those birds live for ever so long.
MRS. G. How long?
CAPT. G. A hundred and twenty years.
MRS. G. A hundred and twenty years! O-oh! And in a hundred and twenty years where will these two sensible people be?
CAPT. G. What does it matter so long as we are together now?
MRS. G. (Looking round the horizon.) Yes. Only you and II and youin the whole wide, wide world until the end. (Sees the line of the Snows.) How big and quiet the hills look! Dyou think they care for us?
CAPT. G. Cant say Ive consulted em particularly. I care, and thats enough for me.
MRS. G. (Drawing nearer to him.) Yes, nowbut afterward. Whats that little black blur on the Snows?
CAPT. G. A snowstorm, forty miles away. Youll see it move, as the wind carries it across the face of that spur and then it will be all gone.
MRS. G. And then it will be all gone. (Shivers.)
CAPT. G. (Anriously.) Not chilled, pet, are you? Better let me get your cloak.
MRS. G. No. Dont leave me, Phil. Stay here. I believe I am afraid. Oh, why are the hills so horrid! Phil, promise me that youll always love me.
CAPT. G. Whats the trouble, darling? I cant promise any more than I have; but Ill promise that again and again if you like.
MRS. G. (Her head on his shoulder.) Say it, thensay it! N-nodont! Thetheeagles would laugh. (Recovering.) My husband, youve married a little goose.
CAPT. G. (Very tenderly.) Have I? I am content whatever she is, so long as she is mine.
MRS. G. (Quickly.) Because she is yours or because she is me mineself?
CAPT. G. Because she is both. (Piteously.) Im not clever, dear, and I dont think I can make myself understood properly.
MRS. G. I understand. Pip, will you tell me something?
CAPT. G. Anything you like. (Aside.) I wonder whats coming now.
MRS. G. (Haltingly, her eyes lowered.) You told me once in the old dayscentunes and centuries agothat you had been engaged before. I didnt say anythingthen.
CAPT. G. (Innocently.) Why not?
MRS. G. (Raising her eyes to his.) Becausebecause I was afraid of losing you, my heart. But nowtell about itplease.
CAPT. G. Theres nothing to tell. I was awfly old thennearly two and twentyand she was quite that.
MRS. G. That means she was older than you. I shouldnt like her to have been younger. Well?
CAPT. G. Well, I fancied myself in love and raved about a bit, andoh, yes, by Jove! I made up poetry. Ha! Ha!
MRS. G. You never wrote any for me! What happened?
CAPT. G. I came out here, and the whole thing went phut. She wrote to say that there had been a mistake, and then she married.
MRS. G. Did she care for you much?
CAPT. G. No. At least she didnt show it as far as I remember.
MRS. G. As far as you rememberl Do you remember her name? (Hears it and bows her head.) Thank you, my husband.
CAPT. G. Who but you had the right? Now, Little Featherweight, have you ever been mixed up in any dark and dismal tragedy?
MRS. G. If you call me Mrs. Gadsby, praps Ill tell.
CAPT. G. (Throwing Parade rasp into his voice.) Mrs. Gadsby, confess!
MRS. G. Good Heavens, Phil! I never knew that you could speak in that terrible voice.
CAPT. G. You dont know half my accomplishments yet. Wait till we are settled in the Plains, and Ill show you how I bark at my troop. You were going to say, darling?
MRS. G. II dont like to, after that voice. (Tremulously.) Phil, never you dare to speak to me in that tone, whatever I may do!
CAPT. G. My poor little love! Why, youre shaking all over. I am so sorry. Of course I never meant to upset you Dont tell me anything, Im a brute.
MRS. G. No, you arent, and I will tellThere was a man.
CAPT. G. (Lightly.) Was there? Lucky man!
MRS. G. (In a whisper.) And I thougbt I cared for him.
CAPT. G. Still luckier man! Well?
MRS. G. And I thought I cared for himand I didntand then you cameand I cared for you very, very much indeed. Thats all. (Face hidden.) You arent angry, are you?
CAPT. G. Angry? Not in the least. (Aside.) Good Lord, what have I done to deserve this angel?
MRS. G. (Aside.) And he never asked for the name! How funny men are! But perhaps its as well.
CAPT. G. That man will go to heaven because you once thought you cared for him. Wonder if youll ever drag me up there?
MRS. G. (Firmly.) Shant go if you dont.
CAPT. G. Thanks. I say, Pussy, I dont know much about your religious beliefs. You were brought up to believe in a heaven and all that, werent you?
MRS. G. Yes. But it was a pincushion heaven, with hymn-books in all the pews.
CAPT. G. (Wagging his head with intense conviction.) Never mind. There is a pukka heaven.
MRS. G. Where do you bring that message from, my prophet?
CAPT. G. Here! Because we care for each other. So its all right.
MRS. G. (As a troop of langurs crash through the branches.) So its all right. But Darwin says that we came from those!
CAPT. G. (Placidly.) Ah! Darwin was never in love with an angel. That settles it. Sstt, you brutes! Monkeys, indeed! You shouldnt read those books.
MRS. G. (Folding her hands.) If it pleases my Lord the King to issue proclamation.
CAPT. G. Dont, dear one. There are no orders between us. Only Id rather you didnt. They lead to nothing, and bother peoples heads.
MRS. G. Like your first engagement.
CAPT. G. (With an immense calm.) That was a necessary evil and led to you. Are you nothing?
MRS. G. Not so very much, am I?
CAPT. G. All this world and the next to me.
MRS. G. (Very softly.) My boy of boys! Shall I tell you something?
CAPT. G. Yes, if its not dreadfulabout other men.
MRS. G. Its about my own bad little self.
CAPT. G. Then it must be good. Go on, dear.
MRS. G. (Slowly.) I dont know why Im telling you, Pip; but if ever you marry again (Interlude.) Take your hand from my mouth or Ill bite! In the future, then rememberI dont know quite how to put it!
CAPT. G. (Snorting indignantly.) Dont try. Marry again, indeed!
MRS. G. I must. Listen, my husband. Never, never, never tell your wife anything that you do not wish her to remember and think over all her life. Because a womanyes, I am a womancant forget.
CAPT. G. By Jove, how do you know that?
MRS. G. (Confusedly.) I dont. Im only guessing. I amI wasa silly little girl; but I feel that I know so much, oh, so very much more than you, dearest. To begin with, Im your wife.
CAPT. G. So I have been led to believe.
MRS. G. And I shall want to know every one of your secretsto share everything you know with you. (Stares round desperately.)
CAPT. G. So you shall, dear, so you shallbut dont look like that.
MRS. G. For your own sake dont stop me, Phil. I shall never talk to you in this way again. You must not tell me! At least, not now. Later on, when Im an old matron it wont matter, but if you love me, be very good to me now; for this part of my life I shall never forget! Have I made you understand?
CAPT. G. I think so, child. Have I said anything yet that you disapprove of?
MRS. G. Will you be very angry? Thatthat voice, and what you said about the engagement
CAPT. G. But you asked to be told that, darling.
MRS. G. And thats why you shouldnt have told me! You must be the Judge, and, oh, Pip, dearly as I love you, I shant be able to help you! I shall hinder you, and you must judge in spite of me!
CAPT. G. (Meditatively.) We have a great many things to find out together, God help us bothsay so, Pussybut we shall understand each other better every day; and I think Im beginning to see now. How in the world did you come to know just the importance of giving me just that lead?
MRS. G. Ive told you that I dont know. Only somehow it seemed that, in all this new life, I was being guided for your sake as well as my own.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Then Mafilin was right! They know, and wewere blind all of us. (Lightly.) Getting a little beyond our depth, dear, arent we? Ill remember, and, if I fail, let me be punished as I deserve.
MRS. G. There shall be no punishment. Well start into life together from hereyou and Iand no one else.
CAPT. G. And no one else. (A pause.) Your eyelashes are all wet, Sweet? Was there ever such a quaint little Absurdity?
MRS. G. Was there ever such nonsense talked before?
CAPT. G. (Knocking the ashes out of his pipe.) Tisnt what we say, its what we dont say, that helps. And its all the profoundest philosophy. But no one would understandeven if it were put into a book.
MRS. G. The idea! Noonly we ourselves, or people like ourselvesif there are any people like us.
CAPT. G. (Magisterially.) All people, not like ourselves, are blind idiots.
MRS. G. (Wiping her eyes.) Do you think, then, that there are any people as happy as we are?
CAPT. G. Must beunless weve appropriated all the happiness in the world.
MRS. G. (Looking toward Simla.) Poor dears! Just fancy if we have!
CAPT. G. Then well hang on to the whole show, for its a great deal too jolly to loseeh, wife o mine?
MRS. G. O Pip! Pip! How much of you is a solemn, married man and how much a horrid slangy schoolboy?
CAPT. G. When you tell me how much of you was eighteen last birthday and how much is as old as the Sphinx and twice as mysterious, perhaps Ill attend to you. Lend me that banjo. The spirit moveth me to jowl at the sunset.
MRS. G. Mind! Its not tuned. Ah! How that jars!
CAPT. G. (Turning pegs.) Its amazingly different to keep a banjo to proper pitch.
MRS. G. Its the same with all musical instruments, What shall it be?
CAPT. G. Vanity, and let the hills hear. (Sings through the first and half of the second verse. Turning to MRS. G.) Now, chorus! Sing, Pussy!
BOTH TOGETHER. (Con brio, to the horror of the monkeys who are settling for the night.)
I clasped my true Loves tender hand and answered frank and freeee If this be Vanity whod be wise? If this be Vanity whod be wise? If this be Vanity whod be wiise (crescendo) Vanity let it be! |
MRS. G. (Defiantly to the grey of the evening sky.) Vanity let it be!
ECHO. (From the Fagoo spur.) Let it be!
SCENE.The GADSBYS bungalow in the Plains. Time, 11 a.m. on a Sunday morning. CAPTAIN GADSBY, in his shirt-sleeves, is bending over a complete set of Hussars equipment, from saddle to picketing-rope, which is neatly spread over the floor of his study. He is smoking an unclean briar, and his forehead is puckered with thought. |
CAPT. G. (To himself, fingering a headstall.) Jacks an ass. Theres enough brass on this to load a muleand, if the Americans know anything about anything, it can be cut down to a bit only. Dont want the watering-bridle, either. Humbug!Half a dozen sets of chains and pulleys for one horse! Rot! (Scratching his head.) Now, lets consider it all over from the beginning. By Jove, Ive forgotten the scale of weights! Neer mind. Keep the bit only, and eliminate every boss from the crupper to breastplate. No breastplate at all. Simple leather strap across the breastlike the Russians. Hi! Jack never thought of that!
MRS. G. (Entering hastily, her hand bound in a cloth.) Oh, Pip, Ive scalded my hand over that horrid, horrid Tiparee jam!
CAPT. G. (Absently.) Eb! Wha-at?
MRS. G. (With round-eyed reproach.) Ive scalded it aw-fully! Arent you sorry? And I did so want that jam to jam properly.
CAPT. G. Poor little woman! Let me kiss the place and make it well. (Unrolling bandage.) You small sinner! Wheres that scald? I cant see it.
MRS. G. On the top of the little finger. There!Its a most normous big burn!
CAPT. G. (Kissing little finger.) Baby! Let Hyder look after the jam. You know I dont care for sweets.
MRS. G. In-deed?Pip!
CAPT. G. Not of that kind, anyhow. And now run along, Minnie, and leave me to my own base devices. Im busy.
MRS. G. (Calmly settling herself in long chair.) So I see. What a mess youre making! Why have you brought all that smelly leather stuff into the house?
CAPT. G. To play with. Do you mind, dear?
MRS. G. Let me play too. Id like it.
CAPT. G. Im afraid you wouldnt. PussyDont you think that jam will burn, or whatever it is that jam does when its not looked after by a clever little housekeeper?
MRS. G. I thought you said Hyder could attend to it. I left him in the veranda, stirringwhen I hurt myself so.
CAPT. G. (His eye returning to the equipment.) Po-oor little woman!Three pounds four and seven is three eleven, and that can be cut down to two eight, with just a lee-tle care, with-out weakening anything. Farriery is all rot in incompetent hands. Whats the use of a shoe-case when a mans scouting? He cant stick it on with a licklike a stampthe shoe! Skittles!
MRS. G. Whats skittles? Pah! What is this leather cleaned with?
CAPT. G. Cream and champagne andlook here, dear, do you really want to talk to me about anything important?
MRS. G. No. Ive done my accounts, and I thought Id like to see what youre doing.
CAPT. G. Well, love, now youve seen andwould you mind? That is to sayMinnie, I really am busy.
MRS. G. You want me to go?
CAPT. G, Yes, dear, for a little while. This tobacco will hang in your dress, and saddlery doesnt interest you.
MRS. G. Everything you do interests me, Pip.
CAPT. G. Yes, I know, I know, dear. Ill tell you all about it some day when Ive put a head on this thing. In the meantime
MRS. G. Im to be turned out of the room like a troublesome child?
CAPT. G. No-o. I dont mean that exactly. But, you see, I shall be tramping up and down, shifting these things to and fro, and I shall be in your way. Dont you think so?
MRS. G. Cant I lift them about? Let me try. (Reaches forward to troopers saddle.)
CAPT. G. Good gracious, child, dont touch it. Youll hurt yourself. (Picking up saddle.) Little girls arent expected to handle numdahs. Now, where would you like it put? (Holds saddle above his head.)
MRS. G. (A break in her voice.) Nowhere. Pip, how good you areand how strong! Oh, whats that ugly red streak inside your arm?
CAPT. G. (Lowering saddle quickly.) Nothing. Its a mark of sorts. (Aside.) And Jacks coming to tiffin with his notions all cut and dried!
MRS. G. I know its a mark, but Ive never seen it before. It runs all up the arm. What is it?
CAPT. G. A cutif you want to know.
MRS. G. Want to know! Of course I do! I cant have my husband cut to pieces in this way. How did it come? Was it an accident? Tell me, Pip.
CAPT. G. (Grimly.) No. Twasnt an accident. I got itfrom a manin Afghanistan.
MRS. G. In action? Oh, Pip, and you never told me!
CAPT. G. Id forgotten all about it.
MRS. G. Hold up your arm! What a horrid, ugly scar! Are you sure it doesnt hurt now! How did the man give it you?
CAPT. G. (Desperately looking at his watch.) With a knife. I came downold Van Loo did, thats to sayand fell on my leg, so I couldnt run. And then this man came up and began chopping at me as I sprawled.
MRS. G. Oh, dont, dont! Thats enough!Well, what happened?
CAPT. G. I couldnt get to my holster, and Mafflin came round the corner and stopped the performance.
MRS. G. How? Hes such a lazy man, I dont believe he did.
CAPT. G. Dont you? I dont think the man had much doubt about it. Jack cut his head off.
MRS. G. Cuthisheadoff! With one blow, as they say in the books?
CAPT. G. Im not sure. I was too interested in myself to know much about it. Anyhow, the head was off, and Jack was punching old Van Loo in the ribs to make him get up. Now you know all about it, dear, and now
MRS. G. You want me to go, of course. You never told me about this, though Ive been married to you for ever so long; and you never would have told me if I hadnt found out; and you never do tell me anything about yourself, or what you do, or what you take an interest in.
CAPT. G. Darling, Im always with you, arent I?
MRS. G. Always in my pocket, you were going to say. I know you are; but you are always thinking away from me.
CAPT. G. (Trying to hide a smile.) Am I? I wasnt aware of it. Im awfly sorry.
MRS. G. (Piteously.) Oh, dont make fun of me! Pip, you know what I mean. When you are reading one of those things about Cavalry, by that idiotic Princewhy doesnt he be a Prince instead of a stable-boy?
CAPT. G. Prince Kraft a stable-boyOh, my Aunt! Never mind, dear. You were going to say?
MRS. G. It doesnt matter; you dont care for what I say. Onlyonly you get up and walk about the room, staring in front of you, and then Mafflin comes in to dinner, and after Im in the drawmg-room I can hear you and him talking, and talking, and talking, about things I cant understand, andoh, I get so tired and feel so lonely!I dont want to complain and be a trouble, Pip; but I do indeed I do!
CAPT. G. My poor darling! I never thought of that. Why dont you ask some nice people in to dinner?
MRS. G. Nice people! Where am I to find them? Horrid frumps! And if I did, I shouldnt be amused. You know I only want you.
CAPT. G. And you have me surely, Sweetheart?
MRS. G. I have not! Pip why dont you take me into your life?
CAPT. G. More than I do? That would be difficult, dear.
MRS. G. Yes, I suppose it wouldto you. Im no help to youno companion to you; and you like to have it so.
CAPT. G. Arent you a little unreasonable, Pussy?
MRS. G. (Stamping her foot.) Im the most reasonable woman in the worldwhen Im treated properly.
CAPT. G. And since when have I been treating you improperly?
MRS. G. Alwaysand since the beginning. You know you have.
CAPT. G. I dont; but Im willing to be convinced.
MRS. G. (Pointing to saddlery.) There!
CAPT. G. How do you mean?
MRS. G. What does all that mean? Why am I not to be told? Is it so precious?
CAPT. G. I forget its exact Government value just at present. It means that it is a great deal too heavy.
MRS. G. Then why do you touch it?
CAPT. G. To make it lighter. See here, little love, Ive one notion and Jack has another, but we are both agreed that all this equipment is about thirty pounds too heavy. The thing is how to cut it down without weakening any part of it, and, at the same time, allowing the trooper to carry everything he wants for his own comfortsocks and shirts and things of that kind.
MRS. G. Why doesnt he pack them in a little trunk?
CAPT. G. (Kissing her.) Oh, you darling! Pack them in a little trunk, indeed! Hussars dont carry trunks, and its a most important thing to make the horse do all the carrying.
MRS. G. But why need you bother about it? Youre not a trooper.
CAPT. G. No; but I command a few score of him; and equipment is nearly everything in these days.
MRS. G. More than me?
CAPT. G. Stupid! Of course not; but its a matter that Im tremendously interested in, because if I or Jack, or I and Jack, work out some sort of lighter saddlery and all that. its possible that we may get it adopted.
MRS. G. How?
CAPT. G. Sanctioned at Home, where they will make a sealed patterna pattern that all the saddlers must copyand so it will be used by all the regiments.
MRS. G. And that interests you?
CAPT. G. Its part of my profession, yknow, and my profession is a good deal to me. Everything in a soldiers equipment is important, and if we can improve that equipment, so much the better for the soldiers and for us.
MRS. G. Whos us?
CAPT. G. Jack and I; only Jacks notions are too radical. Whats that big sigh for, Minnie?
MRS. G. Oh, nothingand youve kept all this a secret from me! Why?
CAPT. G. Not a secret, exactly, dear. I didnt say anything about it to you because I didnt think it would amuse you.
MRS. G. And am I only made to be amused?
CAPT. G. No, of course. I merely mean that it couldnt interest you.
MRS. G. Its your work andand if youd let me, Id count all these things up. If they are too heavy, you know by how much they are too heavy, and you must have a list of things made out to your scale of lightness, and
CAPT. G. I have got both scales somewhere in my head; hut its hard to tell how light you can make a head-stall, for instance, until youve actually had a model made.
MRS. G. But if you read out the list, I could copy it down, and pin it up there just above your table. Wouldnt that do?
CAPT. G. It would be awfly nice, dear, but it would be giving you trouble for nothing. I cant work that way. I go by rule of thumb. I know the present scale of weights, and the other onethe one that Im trying to work towill shift and vary so much that I couldnt be certain, even if I wrote it down.
MRS. G. Im so sorry. I thought I might help. Is there anything else that I could be of use in?
CAPT. G. (Looking round the room.) I cant think of anything. Youre always helping me you know.
MRS. G. Am I? How?
CAPT. G. You are of course, and as long as youre near meI cant explain exactly, but its in the air.
MRS. G. And thats why you wanted to send me away?
CAPT. G. Thats only when Im trying to do workgrubby work like this.
MRS. G. Mafflins better, then, isnt he?
CAPT. G. (Rashly.) Of course he is. Jack and I have been thinking along the same groove for two or three years about this equipment. Its our hobby, and it may really be useful some day.
MRS. G. (After a pause.) And thats all that you have away from me?
CAPT. G. It isnt very far away from you now. Take care the oil on that bit doesnt come off on your dress.
MRS. G. I wishI wish so much that I could really help you. I believe I couldif I left the room. But thats not what I mean.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Give me patience! I wish she would go. (Aloud.) I assure you you cant do anything for me, Minnie, and I must really settle down to this. Wheres my pouch?
MRS. G. (Crossing to writing-table.) Here you are, Bear. What a mess you keep your table in!
CAPT. G. Dont touch it. Theres a method in my madness, though you mightnt think of it.
MRS. G. (At table.) I want to look Do you keep accounts, Pip?
CAPT. G. (Bending over saddlery.) Of a sort. Are you rummaging among the Troop papers? Be careful.
MRS. G. Why? I shant disturb anything. Good gracious! I had no idea that you had anything to do with so many sick horses.
CAPT. G. Wish I hadnt, but they insist on falling sick. Minnie, if I were you I really should not investigate those papers. You may come across something that you wont like.
MRS. G. Why will you always treat me like a child? I know Im not displacing the horrid things.
CAPT. G. (Resignedly.) Very well, then. Dont blame me if anything happens. Play with the table and let me go on with the saddlery. (Slipping hand into trousers-pocket.) Oh, the deuce!
MRS. G. (Her back to G.) Whats that for?
CAPT. G. Nothing. (Aside.) Theres not much in it, but I wish Id torn it up.
MRS. G. (Turning over contents of table.) I know youll hate me for this; but I do want to see what your work is like. (A pause.) Pip, what are farcy-buds?
CAPT. G. Hab! Would you really like to know? They arent pretty things.
MRS. G. This Journal of Veterinary Science says they are of absorbing interest. Tell me.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) It may turn her attention.
Gives a long and designedly loathsome account of glanders and farcy. |
MRS. G. Oh, thats enough. Dont go on!
CAPT. G. But you wanted to knowThen these things suppurate and matterate and spread
MRS. G. Pin, youre making me sick! Youre a horrid, disgusting schoolboy.
CAPT. G. (On his knees among the bridles.) You asked to be told. Its not my fault if you worry me into talking about horrors.
MRS. G. Why didnt you sayNo?
CAPT. G. Good Heavens, child! Have you come in here simply to bully me?
MRS. G. I bully you? How could I! Youre so strong. (Hysterically.) Strong enough to pick me up and put me outside the door and leave me there to cry. Arent you?
CAPT. G. It seems to me that youre an irrational little baby. Are you quite well?
MRS. G. Do I look ill? (Returning to table). Who is your lady friend with the big grey envelope and the fat monogram outside?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Then it wasnt locked up, confound it. (Aloud.) God made her, therefore let her pass for a woman. You remember what farcybuds are like?
MRS. G. (Showing envelope.) This has nothing to do with them. Im going to open it. May I?
CAPT. G. Certainly, if you want to. Id sooner you didnt though. I dont ask to look at your letters to the Deercourt girl.
MRS. G. Youd better not, Sir! (Takes letter from envelope.) Now, may I look? If you say no, I shall cry.
CAPT. G. Youve never cried in my knowledge of you, and I dont believe you could.
MRS. G. I feel very like it to-day, Pip. Dont be hard on me. (Reads letter.) It begins in the middle, without any Dear Captain Gadsby, or anything. How funny!
CAPT. G. (Aside.) No, its not Dear Captain Gadsby, or anything, now. How funny!
MRS. G. What a strange letter! (Reads.) And so the moth has come too near the candle at last, and has been singed intoshall I say Respectability? I congratulate him, and hope he will be as happy as he deserves to be. What does that mean? Is she congratulating you about our marriage?
CAPT. G. Yes, I suppose so.
MRS. G. (Still reading letter.) She seems to be a particular friend of yours.
CAPT. G. Yes. She was an excellent matron of sortsa Mrs. Herriottwife of a Colonel Herriott. I used to know some of her people at Home long agobefore I came out.
MRS. G. Some Colonels wives are youngas young as me. I knew one who was younger.
CAPT. G. Then it couldnt have been Mrs. Herriott. She was old enough to have been your mother, dear.
MRS. G. I remember now. Mrs. Scargill was talking about her at the Dutfins tennis, before you came for me, on Tuesday. Captain Mafflin said she was a dear old woman. Do you know, I think Mafflin is a very clumsy man with his feet.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Good old Jack! (Aloud.) Why, dear?
MRS. G. He had put his cup down on the ground then, and he literally stepped into it. Some of the tea spirted over my dressthe grey one. I meant to tell you about it before.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) There are the makings of a strategist about Jack though his methods are coarse. (Aloud.) Youd better get a new dress, then. (Aside.) Let us pray that that will turn her.
MRS. G. Oh, it isnt stained in the least. I only thought that Id tell you. (Returning to letter.) What an extraordinary person! (Reads.) But need I remind you that you have taken upon yourself a charge of wardshipwhat in the world is a charge of wardship?which as you yourself know, may end in Consequences
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Its safest to let em see everything as they come across it; but seems to me that there are exceptions to the rule. (Aloud.) I told you that there was nothing to be gained from rearranging my table.
MRS. G. (Absently.) What does the woman mean? She goes on talking about Consequencesalmost inevitable Consequences with a capital Cfor half a page. (Flushing scarlet.) Oh, good gracious! How abominable!
CAPT. G. (Promptly.) Do you think so? Doesnt it show a sort of motherly interest in us? (Aside.) Thank Heaven. Harry always wrapped her meaning up safely! (Aloud.) Is it absolutely necessary to go on with the letter, darling?
MRS. G. Its impertinent its simply horrid. What right has this woman to write in this way to you? She oughtnt to.
CAPT. G. When you write to the Deercourt girl, I notice that you generally fill three or four sheets. Cant you let an old woman babble on paper once in a way? She means well.
MRS. G. I dont care. She shouldnt write, and if she did, you ought to have shown me her letter.
CAPT. G. Cant you understand why I kept it to myself, or must I explain at lengthas I explained the farcybuds?
MRS. G. (Furiously.) Pip I hate you! This is as bad as those idiotic saddle-bags on the floor. Never mind whether it would please me or not, you ought to have given it to me to read.
CAPT. G. It comes to the same thing. You took it yourself.
MRS. G. Yes, but if I hadnt taken it, you wouldnt have said a word. I think this Harriet Herriottits like a name in a bookis an interfering old Thing.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) So long as you thoroughly understand that she is old, I dont much care what you think. (Aloud.) Very good, dear. Would you like to write and tell her so? Shes seven thousand miles away.
MRS. G. I dont want to have anything to do with her, but you ought to have told me. (Turning to last page of letter.) And she patronizes me, too. Ive never seen her! (Reads.) I do not know how the world stands with you; in all human probability I shall never know; but whatever I may have said before, I pray for her sake more than for yours that all may be well. I have learned what misery means, and I dare not wish that any one dear to you should share my knowledge.
CAPT. G. Good God! Cant you leave that letter alone, or, at least, cant you refrain from reading it aloud? Ive been through it once. Put it back on the desk. Do you hear me?
MRS. G. (Irresolutely.) I shshant! (Looks at G.s eyes.) Oh, Pip, please! I didnt mean to make you angryDeed, I didnt. Pip, Im so sorry. I know Ive wasted your time
CAPT. G. (Grimly.) You have. Now, will you be good enough to goif there is nothing more in my room that you are anxious to pry into?
MRS. G. (Putting out her hands.) Oh, Pip, dont look at me like that! Ive never seen you look like that before and it huurts me! Im sorry. I oughtnt to have been here at all, andandand- (sobbing.) Oh, be good to me! Be good to me! Theres only youanywhere!
Breaks down in long chair, hiding face in cushions. |
CAPT. G. (Aside.) She doesnt know how she flicked me on the raw. (Aloud, bending over chair.) I didnt mean to be harsh, dearI didnt really. You can stay here as long as you please, and do what you please. Dont cry like that. Youll make yourself sick. (Aside.) What on earth has come over her? (Aloud.) Darling, whats the matter with you?
MRS. G. (Her face still hidden.) Let me golet me go to my own room. Onlyonly say you arent angry with me.
CAPT. G. Angry with you, love! Of course not. I was angry with myself. Id lost my temper over the saddleryDont hide your face, Pussy. I want to kiss it.
Bends lower, Mrs. G. slides right arm round his neck. Several interludes and much sobbing. |
MRS. G. (In a whisper.) I didnt mean about the jam when I came in to tell you
CAPT. G. Bother the jam and the equipment! (Interlude.)
MRS. G. (Still more faintly.) My finger wasnt scalded at all. Iwanted to speak to you aboutaboutsomething else, andI didnt know how.
CAPT. G. Speak away, then. (Looking into her eyes.) Eb! Wha-at? Minnie! Here, dont go away! You dont mean?
MRS. G. (Hysterically, backing to portiere and hiding her face in its folds.) Thethe Almost Inevitable Consequences! (Flits through portière as G. attempts to catch her, and bolts herself in her own room.)
CAPT. G. (His arms full of portière.) Oh! (Sitting down heavily in chair.) Im a brutea piga bully, and a blackguard. My poor, poor little darling! Only made to be amused?
SCENE.The GADSBYS bungalow in the Plains, in June. Punkah-coolies asleep in veranda where CAPTAIN GADSBY is walking up and down. DOCTORS trap in porch. JUNIOR CHAPLAIN drifting generally and uneasily through the house. Time, 3:4O A.M. Heat 94° in veranda. |
DOCTOR. (Coming into veranda and touching G. on the shoulder.) You had better go in and see her now.
CAPT. G. (The color of good cigar-ash.) Eh, wha-at? Oh, yes, of course. What did you say?
DOCTOR. (Syllable by syllable.) Gointotheroomandseeher. She wants to speak to you. (Aside, testily.) I shall have him on my hands next.
JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. (In half-lighted dining room.) Isnt there any?
DOCTOR. (Savagely.) Hsh, you little fool!
JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. Let me do my work. Gadsby, stop a minute! (Edges after G.)
DOCTOR. Wait till she sends for you at leastat least. Man alive, hell kill you if you go in there! What are you bothering him for?
JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. (Coming into veranda.) Ive given him a stiff brandy-peg. He wants it. Youve forgotten him for the last ten hours andforgotten yourself too.
G. enters bedroom, which is lit by one night-lamp. Ayah on the floor pretending to be asleep. |
VOICE. (From the bed.) All down the streetsuch bonfires! Ayah, go and put them out! (Appealingly.) How can I sleep with an installation of the C.I.E. in my room? Nonot C.I.E. Something else. What was it?
CAPT. G. (Trying to control his voice) Minnie, Im here. (Bending over bed.) Dont you know me, Mmnie? Its meits Philits your husband.
VOICE. (Mechanically.) Its meits Philits your husband.
CAPT. G. She doesnt know me!Its your own husband, darling.
VOICE. Your own husband, darling.
AYAH. (With an inspiration.) Memsahib understanding all I saying.
CAPT. G. Make her understand me thenquick!
AYAH. (Hand on MRS. G.s forehead.) Memsahib! Captain Sahib here.
VOICE. Salaem do. (Fretfully.) I know Im not fit to be seen.
AYAH. (Aside to G.) Say marneen same at breakfash.
CAPT. G. Good morning, little woman. How are we to-day?
VOICE. Thats Phil. Poor old Phil. (Viciously.) Phil, you fool, I cant see you. Come nearer.
CAPT. G. Minnie! Minnie! Its meyou know me?
VOICE. (Mockingly.) Of course I do. Who does not know the man who was so cruel to his wifealmost the only one he ever had?
CAPT. G. Yes, dear. Yesof course, of course. But wont you speak to bim? He wants to speak to you so much.
VOICE. Theyd never let him in. The Doctor would give darwaza band even if he were in the house. Hell never come. (Despairingly.) O Judas! Judas! Judas!
CAPT. G. (Putting out his arms.) They have let him in, and he always was in the house Oh, my lovedont you know me?
VOICE. (In a half chant.) And it came to pass at the eleventh hour that this poor soul repented. It knocked at the gates, but they were shuttight as a plastera great, burning plaster They had pasted our marriage certificate all across the door, and it was made of red-hot ironpeople really ought to be more careful, you know.
CAPT. G. What am I to do? (Taking her in his arms.) Minnie! speak to meto Phil.
VOICE. What shall I say? Oh, tell me what to say before its too late! They are all going away and I cant say anything.
CAPT. G. Say you know me! Only say you know me!
DOCTOR. (Who has entered quietly.) For pitys sake dont take it too much to heart, Gadsby. Its this way sometimes. They wont recognize. They say all sorts of queer thingsdont you see?
CAPT. G. All right! All right! Go away now; shell recognize me; youre bothering her. She mustmustnt she?
DOCTOR. She will before Have I your leave to try?
CAPT. G. Anything you please, so long as shell know me. Its only a question of hours, isnt it?
DOCTOR. (Professionally.) While theres life theres hope yknow. But dont build on it.
CAPT. G. I dont. Pull her together if its possible. (Aside.) What have I done to deserve this?
DOCTOR. (Bending over bed.) Now, Mrs. Gadsby! We shall be all right tomorrow. You must take it, or I shant let Phil see you. It isnt nasty, is it?
VOICE. Medicines! Always more medicines! Cant you leave me alone?
CAPT. G. Oh, leave her in peace, Doc!
DOCTOR. (Stepping back,aside.) May I be forgiven if Ive done wrong. (Aloud.) In a few minutes she ought to be sensible; but I darent tell you to look for anything. Its only
CAPT. G. What? Go on, man.
DOCTOR. (In a whisper.) Forcing the last rally.
CAPT. G. Then leave us alone.
DOCTOR. Dont mind what she says at first, if you can. Theythey they turn against those they love most sometimes in this.Its hard, but
CAPT. G. Am I her husband or are you? Leave us alone for what time we have together.
VOICE. (Confidentially.) And we were engaged quite suddenly, Emma. I assure you that I never thought of it for a moment; but, oh, my little Me!I dont know what I should have done if he hadnt proposed.
CAPT. G. She thinks of that Deercourt girl before she thinks of me. (Aloud.) Minnie!
VOICE. Not from the shops, Mummy dear. You can get the real leaves from Kaintu, and (laughing weakly) never mind about the blossomsDead white silk is only fit for widows, and I wont wear it. Its as bad as a winding sheet. (A long pause.)
CAPT. G. I never asked a favor yet. If there is anybody to listen to me, let her know meeven if I die too!
VOICE. (Very faintly.) Pip, Pip dear.
CAPT. G. Im here, darling.
VOICE. What has happened? Theyve been bothering me so with medicines and things, and they wouldnt let you come and see me. I was never ill before. Am I ill now?
CAPT. G. Youyou arent quite well.
VOICE. How funny! Have I been ill long?
CAPT. G. Some days; but youll be all right in a little time.
VOICE. Do you think so, Pip? I dont feel well andOh! what have they done to my hair?
CAPT. G. I ddont know.
VOICE. Theyve cut it off. What a shame!
CAPT. G. It must have been to make your head cooler.
VOICE. Just like a boys wig. Dont I look horrid?
CAPT. G. Never looked prettier in your life, dear. (Aside.) How am I to ask her to say good-bye?
VOICE. I dont feel pretty. I feel very ill. My heart wont work. Its nearly dead inside me, and theres a funny feeling in my eyes. Everything seems the same distanceyou and the almirah and the table inside my eyes or miles away. What does it mean, Pip?
CAPT. G. Youre a little feverish, Sweetheartvery feverish. (Breaking down.) My love! my love! How can I let you go?
VOICE. I thought so. Why didnt you tell me that at first?
CAPT. G. What?
VOICE. That I am going todie.
CAPT. G. But you arent! You shant.
AYAH to punkah-coolie. (Stepping into veranda after a glance at the bed. ). Punkah chor do! [Stop pulling the punkah.]
VOICE. Its hard, Pip. So very, very hard after one yearjust one year.
(Wailing.) And Im only twenty. Most girls arent even married at twenty. Cant they do anything to help me? I dont want to die.
CAPT. G. Hush, dear. You wont.
VOICE. Whats the use of talking? Help me! Youve never failed me yet. Oh, Phil, help me to keep alive. (Feverishly.) I dont believe you wish me to live. You werent a bit sorry when that horrid Baby thing died. I wish Id killed it!
CAPT. G. (Drawing his hand across his forehead.) Its more than a mans meant to bearits not right. (Aloud.) Minnie, love, Id die for you if it would help.
VOICE. No more death. Theres enough already. Pip, dont you die too.
CAPT. G. I wish I dared.
VOICE. It says: Till Death do us part. Nothing after thatand so it would be no use. It stops at the dying. Why does it stop there? Only such a very short life, too. Pip, Im sorry we married.
CAPT. G. No! Anything but that, Min!
VOICE. Because youll forget and Ill forget. Oh, Pip, dont forget! I always loved you, though I was cross sometimes. If I ever did anything that you didnt like, say you forgive me now.
CAPT. G. You never did, darling. On my soul and honor you never did. I havent a thing to forgive you.
VOICE. I sulked for a whole week about those petunias. (With a laugh.) What a little wretch I was, and how grieved you were! Forgive me that, Pip.
CAPT. G. Theres nothing to forgive. It was my fault. They were too near the drive. For Gods sake dont talk so, Minnie! Theres such a lot to say and so little time to say it in.
VOICE. Say that youll always love meuntil the end.
CAPT. G. Until the end. (Carried away.) Its a lie. It must be, because weve loved each other. This isnt the end.
VOICE. (Relapsing into semi-delirium.) My Church-service has an ivory-cross on the back, and it says so, so it must be true. Till Death do us part.but thats a lie. (With a parody of G.s manner.) A damned lie! (Recklessly.) Yes, I can swear as well as a Trooper, Pip. I cant make my head think, though. Thats because they cut off my hair. How can one think with ones head all fuzzy? (Pleadingly.) Hold me, Pip! Keep me with you always and always. (Relapsing.) But if you marry the Thorniss girl when Im dead, Ill come back and howl under our bedroom window all night. Oh, bother! Youll think Im a jackall. Pip, what time is it?
CAPT. G. A little before the dawn, dear.
VOICE. I wonder where I shall be this time to-morrow?
CAPT. G. Would you like to see the Padre?
VOICE. Why should I? Hed tell me that I am going to heaven; and that wouldnt be true, because you are here. Do you recollect when he upset the cream-ice all over his trousers at the Gassers tennis?
CAPT. G. Yes, dear.
VOICE. I often wondered whether he got another pair of trousers; but then his are so shiny all over that you really couldnt tell unless you were told. Lets call him in and ask.
CAPT. G. (Gravely.) No. I dont think hed like that. Your head comfy, Sweetheart?
VOICE. (Faintly with a sigh of contentment.) Yes! Gracious, Pip, when did you shave last? Your chins worse than the barrel of a musical box.No, dont lift it up. I like it. (A pause.) You said youve never cried at all. Youre crying all over my cheek.
CAPT. G. III cant help it, dear.
VOICE. How funny! I couldnt cry now to save my life. (G. shivers.) I want to sing.
CAPT. G. Wont it tire you? Better not, perhaps.
VOICE. Why? I wont be bothered about. (Begins in a hoarse quaver):
Minnie bakes oaten cake, Minnie brews ale, All because her Johnnies coming home from the sea. (Thats parade, Pip.)
And she grows red as a rose, who was so pale;And Are you sure the church-clock goes? says she. |
(Pettishly.) I knew I couldnt take the last note. How do the bass chords run? (Puts out her hands and begins playing piano on the sheet.)
CAPT. G. (Catching up hands.) Ahh! Dont do that, Pussy, if you love me.
VOICE. Love you? Of course I do. Who else should it be? (A pause.)
VOICE. (Very clearly.) Pip, Im gomg now. Somethings choking me cruelly. (Indistinctly.) Into the darkwithout you, my heartBut its a lie, dearwe mustnt believe it.Forever and ever, living or dead. Dont let me go, my husbandhold me tight.They cantwhatever happens. (A cough.) Pipmy Pip! Not for alwaysandsosoon! (Voice ceases.)
Pause of ten minutes. G. buries his face in the side of the bed while AYAH bends over bed from opposite side and feels MRS. G.s breast and forehead. |
CAPT. G. (Rising.) Doctor Sahib ko salaam do. [Ask the doctor to come.]
AYAH. (Still by bedside, with a shriek.) Ai! Ai! Tutaphuta! My Memsahib! Not gettingnot have got!Pusseena agya! [The sweat has come.] (Fiercely to G.) TUM jao Doctor Sahib ko jaldi! (You go to the DOCTOR.) Oh, my Memsahib!
DOCTOR. (Entering hastily.) Come away, Gadsby. (Bends over bed.) Eb! The DevWhat inspired you to stop the punkab? Get out, mango awaywait outside! Go! Here, Ayah! (Over his shoulder to G.) Mind I promise nothing.
The dawn breaks as G. stumbles into the garden. |
CAPT. M. (Reining up at the gate on his way to parade and very soberly.) Old man, how goes?
CAPT. G. (Dazed.) I dont quite know. Stay a bit. Have a drink or something. Dont run away. Youre just getting amusing. Ha! ha!
CAPT. M. (Aside.) What am I let in for? Gaddy has aged ten years in the night.
CAPT. G. (Slowly, fingering chargers headstall.) Your curbs too loose.
CAPT. M. So it is. Put it straight, will you? (Aside.) I shall be late for parade. Poor Gaddy.
CAPT. G. links and unlinks curb-chain aimlessly, and finally stands staring toward the veranda. The day brightens. |
DOCTOR. (Knocked out of professional gravity, tramping across flower-beds and shaking Gs hands.) Ititsits!Gadsby, theres a fair chancea dashed fair chance. The flicker, yknow. The sweat, yknow I saw how it would be. The punkab, yknow. Deuced clever woman that ayah of yours. Stopped the punkab just at the right time. A dashed good chance! Noyou dont go in. Well pull her through yet I promise on my reputationunder Providence. Send a man with this note to Bingle. Two heads better than one. Specially the ayah! Well pull her round. (Retreats hastily to house.)
CAPT. G. (His head on neck of M.s charger.) Jack! I bub-bu- believe, Im going to make a bu-bub-bloody exhibitiod of byself.
CAPT. M. (Sniffing openly and feelmg in his left cuff.) I b-b-believe, Ib doing it already. Old bad, what cad I say? Ib as pleased asCod dab you, Caddy! Youre one big idiot and Ib adother. (Pulling himself together.) Sit tight! Here comes the Devil-dodger.
JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. (Who is not in the Doctors confidence.) Wewe are only men in these things, Gadsby. I know that I can say nothing now to help
CAPT. M. (fealously.) Then dont say it. Leave him alone. Its not bad enough to croak over. Here, Gaddy, take the chit to Bingle and ride hell-for-leather. Itll do you good. I cant go.
JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. Do him good! (Smiling.) Give me the chit and Ill drive. Let him lie down. Your horse is blocking my cartplease!
CAPT. M. (Slowly without reining back.) I beg your pardonIll apologize. On paper if you like.
JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. (Flicking M.s charger.) Thatll do, thanks. Turn in, Gadsby, and Ill bring Bingle backahemhell-for-leather.
CAPT. M. (Solus.) It would have served me right if hed cut me across the face. He can drive too. I shouldnt care to go that pace in a bamboo cart. What a faith he must have in his Makerof harness! Come hup, you brute! (Gallops off to parade, blowing his nose, as the sun rises.)
MRS. G. (Very white and pinched, in morning wrapper at break fast table.) How big and strange the room looks, and how glad I am to see it again! What dust, though! I must talk to the servants. Sugar, Pip? Ive almost forgotten. (Seriously.) Wasnt I very ill?
CAPT. G. Iller than I liked. (Tenderly.) Oh, you bad little Pussy, what a start you gave me!
MRS. G. Ill never do it again.
CAPT. G. Youd better not. And now get those poor pale cheeks pink again, or I shall be angry. Dont try to lift the urn. Youll upset it. Wait. (Comes round to head of table and lifts urn.)
MRS. G. (Quickly.) Khitmatgar, bowarchikhana see kettly lao. [Butler, get a kettle from the cook-house.] (Drawing down G.s face to her own.) Pip dear, I remember.
CAPT. G. What?
MRS. G. That last terrible night.
CAPT. G. Then just you forget all about it.
MRS. G. (Softly, her eyes filling.) Never. It has brought us very close together, my husband. There! (Interlude.) Im going to give Junda a sari.
CAPT. G. I gave her fifty dibs.
MRS. G. So she told me. It was a normous reward. Was I worth it? (Several interludes.) Dont! Heres the khitmatgar.Two lumps or one Sir?
SCENE.The GADSBYS bungalow in the Plains, on a January morning. MRS. G. arguing with bearer in back veranda. CAPT. M. rides up. |
CAPT. M. Mornin, Mrs. Gadsby. Hows the Infant Phenomenon and the Proud Proprietor?
MRS. G. Youll find them in the front veranda; go through the house. Im Martha just now.
CAPT. M. Cumbered about with cares of Khitmutgars? I fly.
Passes into front veranda, where GADSBY is watching GADSBY JUNIOR, aged ten months, crawling about the matting. |
CAPT. M. Whats the trouble, Gaddyspoiling an honest mans Europe morning this way? (Seeing G. JUNIOR.) By Jove, that yearlings comm on amaxingly! Any amount of bone below the knee there.
CAPT. G. Yes, hes a healthy little scoundrel. Dont you think his hairs growing?
CAPT. M. Lets have a look. Hi! Hst Come here, General Luck, and well report on you.
MRS. G. (Within.) What absurd name will you give him next? Why do you call him that?
CAPT. M. Isnt he our Inspector-General of Cavalry? Doesnt he come down in his seventeen-two perambulator every morning the Pink Hussars parade? Dont wriggle, Brigadier. Give us your private opinion on the way the third squadron went past. Trifle ragged, weren t they?
CAPT. G. A bigger set of tailors than the new draft I dont wish to see. Theyve given me more than my fair shareknocking the squadron out of shape. Its sickening!
CAPT. M. When youre in command, youll do better, young un. Cant you walk yet? Grip my finger and try. (To G.) Twont hurt his hocks, will it?
CAPT. G. Oh, no. Dont let him flop, though, or hell lick all the blacking off your boots.
MRS. G. (Within.) Whos destroying my sons character?
CAPT. M. And my Godsons. Im ashamed of you, Gaddy. Punch your father in the eye, Jack! Dont you stand it! Hit him again!
CAPT. G. (Sotto voce.) Put the Butcha down and come to the end of the veranda. Id rather the Wife didnt hearjust now.
CAPT. M. You look awfly serious. Anything wrong?
CAPT. G. Depends on your view entirely. I say, Jack, you wont think more hardly of me than you can help, will you? Come further this way.The fact of the matter is, that Ive made up my mindat least Im thinking seriously ofcutting the Service.
CAPT. M. Hwhatt?
CAPT. G. Dont shout. Im going to send in my papers.
CAPT. M. You! Are you mad?
CAPT. G. Noonly married.
CAPT. M. Look here! Whats the meaning of it all? You never intend to leave us. You cant. Isnt the best squadron of the best regiment of the best cavalry in all the world good enough for you?
CAPT. G. (Jerking his head over his shoulder.) She doesnt seem to thrive in this God-forsaken country, and theres the Butcha to be considered and all that, you know.
CAPT. M. Does she say that she doesnt like India?
CAPT. G. Thats the worst of it. She wont for fear of leaving me.
CAPT. M. What are the Hills made for?
CAPT. G. Not for my wife, at any rate.
CAPT. M. You know too much, Gaddy, andI dont like you any the better for it!
CAPT. G. Never mind that. She wants England, and the Butcha would be all the better for it. Im going to chuck. You dont understand.
CAPT. M. (Hotly.) I understand this One hundred and thirty-seven new horse to be licked into shape somehow before Luck comes round again; a hairy-heeled draft wholl give more trouble than the horses; a camp next cold weather for a certainty; ourselves the first on the roster; the Russian shindy ready to come to a head at five minutes notice, and you, the best of us all, backing out of it all! Think a little, Gaddy. You wont do it.
CAPT. G. Hang it, a man has some duties toward his family, I suppose.
CAPT. M. I remember a man, though, who told me, the night after Amdheran, when we were picketed under Jagai, and hed left his swordby the way, did you ever pay Ranken for that sword?in an Utmanzais headthat man told me that hed stick by me and the Pinks as long as he lived. I dont blame him for not sticking by meIm not much of a manbut I do blame him for not sticking by the Pink Hussars.
CAPT. G. (Uneasily.) We were little more than boys then. Cant you see, Jack, how things stand? Tisnt as if we were serving for our bread. Weve all of us, more or less, got the filthy lucre. Im luckier than some, perhaps. Theres no call for me to serve on.
CAPT. M. None in the world for you or for us, except the Regimental. If you dont choose to answer to that, of course
CAPT. G. Dont be too hard on a man. You know that a lot of us only take up the thing for a few years and then go back to Town and catch on with the rest.
CAPT. M. Not lots, and they arent some of Us.
CAPT. G. And then there are ones affairs at Home to be consideredmy place and the rents, and all that. I dont suppose my father can last much longer, and that means the title, and so on.
CAPT. M. Fraid you wont be entered in the Stud Book correctly unless you go Home? Take six months, then, and come out in October. If I could slay off a brother or two, I spose I should be a Marquis of sorts. Any fool can be that; but it needs men, Gaddymen like youto lead flanking squadrons properly. Dont you delude yourself into the belief that youre going Home to take your place and prance about among pink-nosed Kabuli dowagers. You arent built that way. I know better.
CAPT. G. A man has a right to live his life as happily as he can. You arent married.
CAPT. M. Nopraise be to Providence and the one or two women who have had the good sense to jawab me.
CAPT. G. Then you dont know what it is to go into your own room and see your wifes head on the pillow, and when everything else is safe and the house shut up for the night, to wonder whether the roof-beams wont give and kill her.
CAPT. M. (Aside.) Revelations first and second! (Aloud.) So-o! I knew a man who got squiffy at our Mess once and confided to me that he never helped his wife on to her horse without praying that shed break her neck before she came back. All husbands arent alike, you see.
CAPT. G. What on earth has that to do with my case? The man must ha been mad, or his wife as bad as they make em.
CAPT. M. (Aside.) No fault of yours if either werent all you say. Youve forgotten the time when you were insane about the Herriott woman. You always were a good hand at forgetting. (Aloud.) Not more mad than men who go to the other extreme. Be reasonable, Gaddy. Your roof-beams are sound enough.
CAPT. G. That was only a way of speaking. Ive been uneasy and worried about the Wife ever since that awful business three years agowhenI nearly lost her. Can you wonder?
CAPT. M. Oh, a shell never falls twice in the same place. Youve paid your toll to misfortunewhy should your Wife be picked out more than anybody elses?
CAPT. G. I can talk just as reasonably as you can, but you dont understandyou dont understand. And then theres the Butcha. Deuce knows where the ayah takes him to sit in the evening! He has a bit of a cough. Havent you noticed it?
CAPT. M. Bosh! The Brigadiers jumping out of his skin with pure condition. Hes got a muzzle like a rose-leaf and the chest of a two-year-old. Whats demoralized you?
CAPT. G. Funk. Thats the long and the short of it. Funk!
CAPT. M. But what is there to funk?
CAPT. G. Everything. Its ghastly.
CAPT. M. Ah! I see.
You dont want to fight, And by Jingo when we do, Youve got the kid, youve got the Wife, Youve got the money, too. |
Thats about the case, eh?
CAPT. G. I suppose thats it. But its not for myself. Its because of them. At least I think it is.
CAPT. M. Are you sure? Looking at the matter in a cold-blooded light, the Wife is provided for even if you were wiped out tonight. She has an ancestral home to go to, money and the Brigadier to carry on the illustrious name.
CAPT. G. Then it is for myself or because they are part of me. You dont see it. My lifes so good, so pleasant, as it is, that I want to make it quite safe. Cant you understand?
CAPT. M. Perfectly. Shelter-pit for the Offcers charger, as they say in the Line.
CAPT. G. And I have everything to my hand to make it so. Im sick of the strain and the worry for their sakes out here; and there isnt a single real difficulty to prevent my dropping it altogether. Itll only cost meJack, I hope youll never know the shame that Ive been going through for the past six months.
CAPT. M. Hold on there! I dont wish to be told. Every man has his moods and tenses sometimes.
CAPT. G. (Laughing brtterly.) Has he? What do you call craning over to see where your near-fore lands?
CAPT. M. In my case it means that I have been on the Considerable Bend, and have come to parade with a Head and a Hand. It passes in three strides.
CAPT. G. (Lowering voice.) It never passes wth me, Jack. Im always thinking about it. Phil Gadsby funking a fall on parade! Sweet picture, isnt it! Draw it for me.
CAPT. M. (Gravely.) Heaven forbid! A man like you cant be as bad as that. A fall is no nice thing, but one never gives it a thought.
CAPT. G. Doesnt one? Wait till youve got a wife and a youngster of your own, and then youll know how the roar of the squadron behind you turns you cold all up the back.
CAPT. M. (Aside.) And this man led at Amdheran after Bagal Deasin went under, and we were all mixed up together, and he came out of the snow dripping like a butcher. (Aloud.) Skittles! The men can always open out, and you can always pick your way more or less. We havent the dust to bother us, as the men have, and whoever heard of a horse stepping on a man?
CAPT. G. Neveras long as he can see. But did they open out for poor Errington?
CAPT. M. Oh, this is childish!
CAPT. G. I know it is, worse than that. I dont care. Youve ridden Van Loo. Is he the sort of brute to pick his wayspecially when were coming up in column of troop with any pace on?
CAPT. M. Once in a Blue Moon do we gallop in column of troop, and then only to save time. Arent three lengths enough for you?
CAPT. G. Yesquite enough. They just allow for the full development of the smash. Im talking like a cur, I know: but I tell you that, for the past three months, Ive felt every hoof of the squadron in the small of my back every time that Ive led.
CAPT. M. But, Gaddy, this is awful!
CAPT. G. Isnt it lovely? Isnt it royal? A Captain of the Pink Hussars watering up his charger before parade like the blasted boozing Colonel of a Black Regiment!
CAPT. M. You never did!
CAPT. G. Once Only. He squelched like a mussuck, and the Troop-Sergeant-Major cocked his eye at me. You know old Haffys eye. I was afraid to do it again.
CAPT. M. I should think so. That was the best way to rupture old Van Loos tummy, and make him crumple you up. You knew that.
CAPT. G. I didnt care. It took the edge off him.
CAPT. M. Took the edge off him? Gaddy, youyouyou mustnt, you know! Think of the men.
CAPT. G. Thats another thing I am afraid of. Dyou spose they know?
CAPT. M. Lets hope not; but theyre deadly quick to spot skirm-little things of that kind. See here, old man, send the Wife Home for the hot weather and come to Kashmir with me. Well start a boat on the Dal or cross the Rhotangshoot ibex or loafwhich you please. Only come! Youre a bit off your oats and youre talking nonsense. Look at the Colonelswag-bellied rascal that he is. He has a wife and no end of a bow-window of his own. Can any one of us ride round himchalkstones and all? I cant, and I think I can shove a crock along a bit.
CAPT. G. Some men are different. I havent any nerve. Lord help me, I havent the nerve! Ive taken up a hole and a half to get my knees well under the wallets. I cant help it. Im so afraid of anything happening to me. On my soul, I ought to be broke in front of the squadron, for cowardice.
CAPT. M. Ugly word, that. I should never have the courage to own up.
CAPT. G. I meant to lie about my reasons when I began, butIve got out of the habit of lying to you, old man. Jack, you wont?But I know you wont.
CAPT. M. Of course not. (Half aloud.) The Pinks are paying dearly for their Pride.
CAPT. G. Eh! What-at?
CAPT. M. Dont you know? The men have called Mrs. Gadsby the Pride of the Pink Hussars ever since she came to us.
CAPT. G. Tisnt her fault. Dont think that. Its all mine.
CAPT. M. What does she say?
CAPT. G. I havent exactly put it before her. Shes the best little woman in the world, Jack, and all thatbut she wouldnt counsel a man to stick to his calling if it came between him and her. At least, I think
CAPT. M. Never mind. Dont tell her what you told me. Go on the Peerage and Landed-Gentry tack.
CAPT. G. Shed see through it. Shes five times cleverer than I am.
CAPT. M. (Aside.) Then shell accept the sacrifice and think a little bit worse of him for the rest of her days.
CAPT. G. (Absentlty.) I say, do you despise me?
CAPT. M. Queer way of putting it. Have you ever been asked that question? Think a minute. What answer used you to give?
CAPT. G. So bad as that? Im not entitled to expect anything more, but its a bit hard when ones best friend turns round and
CAPT. M. So I have found. But you will have consolationsBailiffs and Drains and Liquid Manure and the Primrose League, and, perhaps, if youre lucky, the Colonelcy of a Yeomanry Cav-al-ry Regimentall uniform and no riding, I believe. How old are you?
CAPT. G. Thirty-three. I know its
CAPT. M. At forty youll be a fool of a J.P. landlord. At fifty youll own a bath-chair, and The Brigadier, if he takes after you, will be fluttering the dovecotes ofwhats the particular dunghill youre going to? Also, Mrs. Gadsby will be fat.
CAPT. G. (Limply.) This is rather more than a joke.
CAPT. M. Dyou think so? Isnt cutting the Service a joke? It generally takes a man fifty years to arrive at it. Youre quite right, though. It is more than a joke. Youve managed it in thirty-three.
CAPT. G. Dont make me feel worse than I do. Will it satisfy you if I own that I am a shirker, a skrim-shanker, and a coward?
CAPT. M. It will not, because Im the only man in the world who can talk to you like this without being knocked down. You mustnt take all that Ive said to heart in this way. I only spokea lot of it at leastout of pure selfishness, because, becauseOh, damn it all, old man,I dont know what I shall do without you. Of course, youve got the money and the place and all thatand there are two very good reasons why you should take care of yourself.
CAPT. G. Doesnt make it any sweeter. Im backing outI know I am. I always had a soft drop in me somewhereand I darent risk any danger to them.
CAPT. M. Why in the world should you? Youre bound to think of your familybound to think. Er-hmm. If I wasnt a younger son Id go toobe shot if I wouldnt I!
CAPT. G. Thank you, Jack. Its a kind lie, but its the blackest youve told for some time. I know what Im doing, and Im going into it with my eyes open. Old man, I cant help it. What would you do if you were in my place?
CAPT. M. (Aside.) Couldnt conceive any woman getting permanently between me and the Regiment. (Aloud.) Cant say. Very likely I should do no better. Im sorry for youawfly sorrybut if thems your sentiments, I believe, I really do, that you are acting wisely.
CAPT. G. Do you? I hope you do. (In a whisper.) Jack, be very sure of yourself before you marry. Im an ungrateful ruffian to say this, but marriageeven as good a marriage as mine has beenhampers a mans work, it cripples his sword-arm, and oh, it plays Hell with his notions of duty. Sometimesgood and sweet as she issometimes I could wish that I had kept my freedomNo, I dont mean that exactly.
MRS. G. (Coming down veranda.) What are you wagging your head over Pip?
CAPT. M. (Turning quickly.) Me, as usual. The old sermon. Your husband is recommending me to get married. Never saw such a one-ideaed man.
MRS. G. Well, why dont you? I dare say you would make some woman very happy.
CAPT. G. Theres the Law and the Prophets, Jack. Never mind the Regiment. Make a woman happy. (Aside.) O Lord!
CAPT. M. Well see. I must be off to make a Troop Cook desperately unhappy. I wont have the wily Hussar fed on Government Bullock Train shinbones(Hastily.) Surely black ants cant be good for The Brigadier. Hes picking em off the matting and eating em. Here, Señor Comandante Don Grubbynuse, come and talk to me. (Lifts G. JUNIOR in his arms.) Want my watch? You wont be able to put it into your mouth, but you can try. (G. JUNIOR drops watch, breaking dial and hands.)
MRS. G. Oh, Captain Mafflin, I am so sorry! Jack, you bad, bad little villain. Ahhh!
CAPT. M. Its not the least consequence, I assure you. Hed treat the world in the same way if he could get it into his hands. Everythings made to be played, with and broken, isnt it, young un?
CAPT. G. Regimental shop as usual.
MRS. G. The Regiment! Always the Regiment. On my word, I sometimes feel jealous of Mafflin.
CAPT. G. (Wearily.) Poor old Jack? I dont think you need. Isnt it time for the Butcha to have his nap? Bring a chair out here, dear. Ive got some thing to talk over with you.
;