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01 March 2007 Blog Home : March 2007 : Permalink

The Truth About Glowball Worming

This originated at Baen's Bar, I'm just giving it a bit more publicity. I recommend not drinking while reading but if you want to enjoy nasal reguritation go right ahead and do so, it's a free country.

From: "Nathan Balyeat"

Here's your salt lick. Now read.

Everyone, everywhere, except for stupid neo-con denialists with incestous relationships with big oil and coal companies agree that global warming is a problem. You aren't one of THOSE people are you? I didn't think so. But you didn't agree with that statement fast enough, we will be watching you.

The greatest scientific minds in the world, including Oscar winner, Al Gore, have come to the conclusion that global warming is caused exclusively by mankind being bad and putting that nasty gas, carbon dioxide, into the atmosphere. Bad mankind. Shame on you. As everyone, everywhere (including you, right?) knows, human-created carbon dioxide is commonly called, "devil's gas". It's called this for two reasons. First, because too much of it will cause the world to warm enough to turn Earth into "Hell on Earth", and secondly because carbon dioxide only gets emitted by evil mankind. Sure, some of Earth's other creatures exhale carbon dioxide, but that's the other kind of carbon dioxide. That's the "Happy Fuzzy Pink Bunny In Balance With Nature" carbon dioxide.

So what will the "devil's gas" do to our planet. Well, according to the greatest scientific minds in the world, including Oscar winner, Al Gore, the following things will happen if we let global warming (caused exclusively by mankind) occur.
  1. Earth will warm up enough that all the ice in the world will melt. No more glaciers, ice cubes, or strawberry daiquiris for anyone. Polar bears, penguins, and bartenders are all going to have a serious problem surviving this holocaust. (You're not denying the global warming holocaust, are you? Remember, we're watching you.) As someone who is neither a polar bear, a penguin, a bartender, or imbiber of ice cubes, I'm not affected by the loss of all the world's ice. Neither is my drink of choice. I drink my scotch straight, thank you. It's understandable that people who are like me aren't alarmed by the lack of ice. But...
  2. ... all that melted ice has to go somewhere, and that will be into the oceans. Not lakes, streams, ponds, reservoirs, or storm drains... the ocean. And that means that ocean levels will rise. How much and how fast, you ask? Well, according to the greatest scientific minds in the world, including Oscar winner, Al Gore, the sea levels will rise enough to flood every city in the globe and drown everyone, everywhere. Except for the survivors. I think that will end up being the citizens of Denver and the Dalai Lama, but I left my ruler in other pair of pants. That's a lot of water. And since it will flood all of Scotland and put ruinous water in my Scotch, I'll be pretty put out.
  3. Despite this massive flooding, Earth will warm up enough that crops will spontaneously combust (no really, ask Al Gore) and burn up. This burning will kill all the food crops and all of the food animals. Mankind, or at least the survivors of the rising oceans and the "There's water in my scotch" rioters, will no longer have any food to eat. Well, they'll have a wonderful, impromptu barbecue consisting of all the tasty, medium rare, animal flesh from the crispy critters after the fires are done burning. But after that, they will starve. Scotch is a wonderful drink (when it's not mixed with water), but doesn't go all that well with barbecue compared to beer. And beer that isn't cold (no ice, remember) generally isn't all that good. This will be a less than optimal barbecue, but hey.... free barbecue. But remember, after the barbecue comes the starving.
  4. Nope, can't eat fish or seaweed, because if it's hot enough to burn all the crops are burning, the oceans are boiling. If the oceans are boiling, the fish are dead. And cooked. Which means that sushi is gone forever. This will be a world not worth living in. Warm beer, watered scotch, and no sushi. If nothing else, you need to stop global warming for those three reasons. If those aren't good enough, remember, it's for the children. And the children's children. And for posterity. And for convincing that cute co-ed that you really care about her opinions, and not getting into her pants.
But I digress. Obviously, you've been convinced by now that global warming is a problem caused exclusively by mankind's "devil gas" carbon dioxide. It's a little unclear which isotopes make it the bad kind of carbon dioxide, and not the good kind, but as a true believer, you're not supposed to ask questions, just follow the party line like a good boy/girl/transgender/multisexual/little green man/little green woman. (You are a true believer, right?) This is a problem that demands a solution!

So where do we start looking for ways to solve this solution? We start looking at sources of "devil gas". Precisely 1,456,468,234.67 peer reviewed scientific papers (and by peer, we mean "the greatest scientific minds in the world, including Oscar winner, Al Gore) have been published describing those sources and how to deal with them.

The biggest source of "devil gas" is the sport utility vehicle, or SUV. Al Gore drives one, but he drives a special one that produces only the good carbon dioxide. The rest we need to destroy. The first thought was to melt them down so that everyone could have a Toyota Prius instead, but melting or burning cars requires power, and power produces "devil gas" carbon dioxide (more on that later). It was decided that the only green way to destroy these vehicles was to bash them with hammers. So the first solution is to give everyone a hammer and point them at an SUV for them to destroy. Remember, everyone agrees global warming is a problem and that SUVs are the biggest cause (except for Al Gore's SUV, it's special) and should want to destroy an SUV with a hammer. And then hammer it into a Prius. (You are going to do what we tell you to do, right?)

The next biggest source of "devil gas" is light bulbs. I'm just a layman and don't understand exactly how it works, but somehow, turning on the light creates carbon dioxide. Even high efficiency compact fluorescent light bulbs create carbon dioxide, just in smaller amounts. One solution proposed was to replace light bulbs with torches and candles - like our ancestors used in pre-global warming days, but someone pointed out that burning things just makes carbon dioxide too. So, remember that hammer? Start busting light bulbs and learn to live in the dark when it's night.

The most insidious source of "devil gas" carbon dioxide, and the most pervasive, is fossil fuel. There are zillions of things out there (yes, zillions. Al Gore counted. Well, he got to ten and extrapolated from there, just like the climate data guys do.) that use fossil fuels. Particularly power plants. These tend to be absolutely massive structures made of steel and reinforced concrete. Don't worry, you won't be using hammers. You get to use bulldozers. Solar and wind powered bulldozers. Remember, fossil fuels are bad! (We're still watching you.)

Reading the UN reports and watching Al Gore's Oscar winning documentary, it turns out there was one other major source of "devil gas" that needed to be dealt with. This culprit is nothing less vile, evil, and disgusting than the human race. The United States is the worst offender in this regard, followed by China and India. It turns out that every time a human exhales, they emit "devil gas". I mean, how evil can you get?!?!?! Since humans are the problem, legislation will be passed outlawing humans and thus mitigate the amount of "devil gas" carbon dioxide that they produce. We understand that it will be some time before the world is enlightened enough to pass this legislation. (We're only starting the first generation of indoctrinating public school children, but we're reaching critical mass at the voting age. Remember, we're doing this for them.) The proposed legislation would punish humanity with death, preventing any individual humans from breathing or using lightbulbs or driving SUVs. No mankind = no global warming. They're the exclusive cause, remember? (You do remember, don't you? We know where you live and what hard drive your porn is on. We can destroy you if you don't agree.)

In the meantime, we're asking you to take the little steps that will stop global warming. It's just a small step from an SUV to a hybrid. You don't need to use lightbulbs. Just take that small step to the switch and turn it to off. You don't need fossil fuels, just step away from the coal and the gasoline. You don't need to breathe. Just take that small step to the edge of the cliff and just beyond and know that in a few seconds, you won't emit "devil gas" ever again. You will have done your part to save the world, penguins, polar bears, bartenders, strawberry daqueris, sushi, and most importantly - scotch.


OK Back to your host. Oddly enough I discovered that this gentleman is not the only person to have come up with the idea that humanity is the major cause of "devil gas". The Register reports that some British scientists are claiming the Branson/Gore X-Prize for a similar idea:

Now researchers at the University of Bristol have put forward their suggestion: stop breathing.

This idea, while drastic, has the advantage of not costing anything, and requiring no significant investment in developing new technologies. The side effects are pretty messy, though, so the researchers offer a second suggestion: stop breathing so much.

Dr Mark Steer (in the background of the photograph above, in which he is accompanied by his colleague Dr. Andrew Impey) explains: "If we merely cut out one breath in three, we could decrease the amount of CO2 entering the atmosphere each year by a staggering 0.63 gigatonnes. That's the same effect as saving five million acres of land (an area the size of Wales) from deforestation."

The scientists also point out that sports are out (and one assumes that also includes indoor sports like horizontal jogging and Ugandan discussions):

In their press statement, the researchers explain that "the average person exercising at the recommended level of 30 minutes five times a week could be adding as much as 1.3kg of extra carbon dioxide to the atmosphere each year".

Multiplied (quite unjustly, we know) across a global population of 6.5 billion, this equates to a lung-busting 14 million tonnes. Multiplied across the 35 people who actually regularly meet the 5x30 minutes recommendation, it would save considerably less, but that rather spoils the fun.

I despise l'Escroc and Vile Pin